How to Write a Romance Novel

So you want to write a romance novel!

It's gonna be sexy and fun and amazing!

And it's gonna sell a billion copies!

So you get out that laptop and let your imagination run wild:

The first chapter is so amazing you're pretty sure you're the sexy JK Rowling.  JK Sexing.

But then you figure out that writing sexy scenes is hard.  Even when you come up with great puns like "hard."

And for fuck's sake, do all the plot lines need to go somewhere?  Even that stupid one you started in chapter seven?

WHY IS THE HERO BEING A DICK?  THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

Not even his amazing butt can make up for it.

Shit, did I give the heroine four hands in this sex scene?

JUST BE DONE ALREADY.  NO MORE HUMPING, THEY'RE GONNA GET DEHYDRATED.

I'll give that heroine a song about her.  Heroines love songs about them!

Make sure the hero learns to love his softer side...

And throw a happy ending on that shit!

And after only eleventy billion hours of work, you, too can be a romance novelist.

Now you just have to sell it.

Tips for NaNoWriMo From a Gen-u-ine Author

• Every moment you spend crying is another moment you don't have to write.


• Great ideas often come when you aren't concentrating on them, like on December 1st.


• Never use adverbs, for they are often unnecessary.  Adjectives muck up the action.  And nouns -- WTF are those for?  Only use verbs and the word "Kardashian."


• Keep up a tally of your daily writing progress.  How else can you know how utterly fucked you are?


• Name all your characters after modern-day toddlers.  Jaydyn and Nevaeh and Mackenzee are timeless monikers that just scream "classic."


• Zombies are over.  Never write vampires.  Werewolves are tired, and you always have to keep track of where their clothes go.  Talking Diet Cokes are the new zombies.


• Drink.


• Remember, if you try, you've already succeeded!  FYI, don't go look up the definition of success after you tell yourself this.