It's Raining in LA, so Here's Burt Reynolds' Butt

Yes, this book is called Burt Reynolds Hotline: The Letters I Get…and Write!

It should go without saying, but I want this book immediately and also now.

h/t Happy Place

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Oscar Wilde is a Cheeky Bastard EditionFeaturing Destiny Moon

Happy hump day, Bloggie friends.  Today for your amusement I have erotic romance author Destiny Moon answering my fascinating questions.  She cracked me the hell up, so keep reading!  That's an order! 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

Tentacles. If writing erotic romance has taught me anything, it’s that the more gripping and groping a character is capable of, the better. Let's just say I'm a little jealous of our friends, the octopi. 

2. What Smurf would you be?

Sassy Smurf. I’d have a wardrobe closet like Smurfette, but with more variety. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

 If they enslave us, I hope at least they will have the decency to make it fun. That means no eating. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Develop a really great safe word. 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Witches, of course. I know a couple, so I got this one. 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Oscar Wilde. Because he’d like it. Actually, he’d love it. 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

Cake, hands down. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting is my favorite, but a close second is decadent chocolate cake. In all honesty, I'm not picky. Bring on the vanilla sheet cakes with lard icing! 

About Destiny Moon: Destiny Moon's quest to follow her heart led her to writing erotic romance. With a few titles already out and and few more on the way, she is slowly inching closer to her dream, which involves tapping away at a story while on a beach sipping margaritas. Her latest release is Worth The Wait, a follow up novel to All I Ever Wanted.

WORTH THE WAIT

Sassy and glamorous, Monique Mackenzie has everything a modern woman could want - great career, fabulous home, wardrobe, car and friends. Men throw themselves at her constantly, but after years of meaningless flings, the charm has worn off. The one man who truly ignites her passion is the only man she can't have - her boss, Jerome Fontaine. 

Mysterious Jerome drops clues that he sees her too, but he seems to have a secret life outside the office. He remains elusive until Monique accidentally stumbles upon his secrets and discovers the reasons for his stoic behavior. As the fiercely private Jerome begins to trust Monique with his secret life, Monique's world is turned upside down with questions about what she truly wants out of life. Jerome's presence makes her question everything from her ambitions to her erotic tastes and in falling for him, she must face her own demons. 

Just when she thinks she's got it all figured out, Monique finds herself challenged in ways she never imagined, but the one thing she knows for certain is that she has never loved anyone as much as she loves Jerome.

Dear Time Magazine:I’m Tired of the Word “Feminist,” too.

Dear Time Magazine*,

Boy, “feminism.” What a pain in the ass, amIright? Fighting tooth and nail to be considered a person. Wanting equal pay. Struggling for everyone to be in charge of our own bodies. I’m fucking sick of it, too!

There is nobody in this world who wishes the idea of “feminism” could go the way of the dodo more than a feminist. Because that would mean that the world has achieved true equality, no matter one’s gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, cognitive and physical abilities, height, weight, or freaking Zodiac sign.

YOU think feminism is a pain in the ass? Try being paid less.  Try being blamed for your sexual assault. Try facing discrimination in public and private dealings. Try being threatened with death for speaking out. Ah, but that’s nothing, right? When a big, bad word makes you roll your eyes—that’s the real struggle. Just shut up and accept your role under the boot, you obnoxious bitches, geesh!

Time, you don’t fool us. The only reason to include “feminist” in the bad word list is as a big fuck you to everyone who’s not a drooling troglodyte desperate for the hand of time to spin back to the year 1400. Well, there weren’t magazines back then, so I guess I don’t need to open yours ever again. 

*That's a "do not link" link, so they won't get any hits off you.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Wedding Pie is an AbominationFeaturing Karen McCullough

 

Answering my deep and insightful weekly questions this time is author Karen McCullough.  Take it away, Writer Smurf!

 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

 

Another arm and hand. How many times have you been at a party, with a drink in one hand and a plate of food in the other, only to realize that you have no way to get that food from plate to mouth? Think how much more we could accomplish with another hand. I could write so much faster if I had three hands to type with rather than two. 

 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

 

Writer Smurf, of course! The one who always has a pen in hand and ink stains on his fingers. All the other smurfs would gather round him in the evenings to listen to his stories! 

 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

 

Oh, they’ll probably take good care of us until our numbers begin to threaten them. We’ll make a wonderful set of exhibits in their zoo-they can watch us play with balls, swing from branches, draw in the dirt, build stone fortresses, make crude weapons like spear throwers and slingshots and reproduce like crazy. It’ll amuse them until they realize that we’ve got numbers on them. 

 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

 

Me, I’m hiding behind all the big, aggressive guys and letting them handle the fight. I’ll be ready to help with the clean up and setting up the new order when they’ve cleared the way. 

 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

 

I’m calling Ghostbusters. After all, their “courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.” And on their best-known gig, they came, they saw, they kicked ass. Big, white, marshmallow ass. 

 

5. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

 

No definitely cake. Pie is good for sure, but you can’t put birthday candles or sprinkles on pie, and you can’t write silly messages in the frosting. And really, two words: Wedding Pie. ‘Nuff said. 

 

About Karen McCullough:

 

Karen McCullough’s wide-ranging imagination makes her incapable of sticking to one genre for her storytelling. As a result, she’s the author of more than a dozen published novels and novellas, which span the mystery, fantasy, paranormal, and romantic suspense genres. A former computer programmer who made a career change into being an editor with an international trade publishing company for many years, she now runs her own web design business to support her writing habit. Awards she’s won include an Eppie Award for fantasy; three other Eppie finals; Prism, Dream Realm, Rising Star, Lories, Scarlett Letter, and Vixen Awards, and an Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest. Her short fiction has appeared in several anthologies and numerous small press publications in the fantasy, science fiction, and romance genres. She lives in Greensboro, NC, with her husband of many years. 

 

Website, Facebook, Author Twitter 

 

Latest Release: The Detective’s Dilemma, a short romantic suspense novel published in paperback and ebook by Kensington’s Lyrical Press imprint. 

 

Available from:  Amazon, B&N, Kensington

 

 

 

Blurb: 

 

Although Sarah Anne Martin admits to pulling the trigger, she swears someone forced her to kill her lover. Homicide detective Jay Christianson is skeptical, but enough ambiguous evidence exists to make her story plausible. If he gives her enough freedom, she’ll either incriminate herself or draw out the real killers. But, having been burned before, Jay doesn’t trust his own protective instincts...and his growing attraction to Sarah only complicates matters. 

 

With desire burning between them, their relationship could ultimately be doomed since Sarah will be arrested for murder if they can’t find the real killer.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:SMH at Saints Edition Featuring Jenna Byrnes

Please help me welcome author Jenna Byrnes who will save all of humanity with Candy Crush, as well as other assorted apps on her phone.

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I would love to be able to transport from one place to another in the blink of an eye. I’m a lousy traveler and usually just barely on time for work, so that would be totally cool and helpful. 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

Since I can’t go a day without my computer, I guess Computy Smurf works for me. Or Candy Crush Smurf??? 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

We will enslave them and attempt to treat them well because we are not animals, after all. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Prove myself invaluable with great knowledge. They may not be aware that I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers. (Found that online, loved it. LOL) 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Everyone knows cheap foil is not the same as Reynold’s Wrap so I suggest paying a little extra and going with the good stuff. I still laugh when I think about Joaquin Phoenix and his niece and nephew sitting in front of the TV with foil on their heads in the movie Signs. Mua ha ha!

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Here’s one for you, in 1265 (now Saint) Thomas Aquinas argued that sodomy was second only to murder in the ranking of sins. Even though many men in history were known to be gay and it wasn’t any big deal, for instance Trajan (53-117 AD) who was gay and is remembered as a successful soldier-emperor who presided over the greatest military expansion in Roman history. Aquinas called Trajan a “virtuous pagan”. Puh-leese! 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

Cake, all the way. I make my own greeting cards for friends and one of my favorites says, I was going to make you a rum cake for your birthday, but now I’m drunk and it’s just a cake. 

Thanks for letting me be stupid with you, Lucy! Readers can find all my books on my website: http://www.jennabyrnes.com/ or keep up with me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorjennabyrnes 

My latest release is Peyton’s Pursuit, book two in the Kansas City Heat series from Totally Bound.

A home invasion leaves one man dead. Can the KCPD track down the killer before anyone else is murdered? 

Detective Nick Peyton lands a homicide case involving stolen property. He finds himself with the tedious task of visiting pawn shops, showing photos of jewelry and other missing items. When he meets store owner Rob Hewlett, Nick suddenly feels like this is the best job he’s ever had. 

Nick and Rob share an immediate attraction and act on it without much thought. With his mind on other things, Nick exchanges only the most basic information with the hot stud who has captivated his heart and soul. He soon comes to realize how little they know about each other and that, sometimes, secrets can be deadly. 

https://www.totallybound.com/peytons-pursuit 

Series blurb: Kansas City Heat by Jenna Byrnes 

Kansas City, the ‘Heart of America’ is home to great jazz music and world famous barbecue. The KCPD is the largest police department in Missouri, with a mission to protect life and property while reducing fear and disorder. Det James Dixon and his partners take their oaths to serve and protect very seriously. But sometimes it’s about more than just the job. And when things get hot in Kansas City, it’s not just the barbecue sauce talking.

See the full series here: https://www.totallybound.com/series/kansas-city-heat

My Author-to-Reader Statement of Ethics

There have been a lot of horrific stories of author-on-reader hate lately. Google "badly behaving authors" and prepare to gasp. I'd like to make my intentions known, as an author, and explain how I feel about my amazing readers. I went on a bit of a rant recently on Twitter, and I stand behind it, so I'm publishing it here.  Er, sorry for the typos.  It was a rant, after all.

We, as authors, must do better than petty bullshit and ridiculousness. I'm not perfect, but damn, I appreciate each and every one of you, and I will try my darndest to be great for you in every way.

 

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Aliens vs. Husband Edition Featuring Ylette Pearson

Author Ylette Pearson is in my hot seat this week answering my turgid questions while talking about bareback cowboys.  If you can't make three dirty jokes out of the last sentence, then you might not belong on a site of mine.

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I could use another pair of hands. Being a lousy and slow typist, think of the possibilities if I wanted to increase my daily word count (and I desperately need to). Another pair of hands would also come in handy when attempting to try out the scenes I write in my novels—every writer has to do that, right?

2. What Smurf would you be? (You can't pick an existing one, like Brainy or Lazy.) 

I’m not saying that I grew up with the Smurfs and has long since forgotten their names, because I might reveal my age, so I’ll stick to a name they couldn’t possibly have. Lazy and Brainy fits like a glove, but alas, it’s forbidden to use them. Hmm, the most apt description of the blue Smurf I’d be must be Tangled Smurf. I’m always somewhat buried in a tangled mess of both my unmanageable hair and the little (and large) dumps the cosmic powers regularly drop on my doorstep. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

If they have enough intelligence to see this planet as an asset, I believe they will quickly realize humans are not a tasty treat. I also think they will mostly ignore us because with their superior intelligence they wouldn’t need someone as slow as humans to do their work. (They just have to glance at my typing speed to pity us.) 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

I’d hide behind my husband who’d give them a run for their money and distract the attention away from my delectable body. Seriously though, who’d want to harm such a beautiful creature like me? 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

With a smart ghost, you don’t stand a chance. It’s best to invite them in and have them join in the fun that’s your life. In my case, they’d hightail it out of there soon enough as crazy women scare the hell out of all men—even ghosts. 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

I’d have to say Shakespeare. The man is responsible for the most hours of sweating behind study guides in human history. 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

No contest—cake wins hands down. Nothing like a cup of strong, black and bitter homebrewed coffee and a juicy piece of chocolate cake to put a sugarcoating on your day. (If I had the extra pair of hands, I could still work on my novel while doing this.)

Her Bareback Cowboys by Ylette Pearson 

When riding bareback proves too much of a temptation to resist… 

When the Groundhog Saddle Company awards twenty-six-year-old freelance photographer and divorcee, Adrian Barlow the coveted assignment of advertising their saddles and other leather products, she jumps at the opportunity. Her bank account is in dire need of replenishing and her reputation as a photographer hangs by a shred over a bottomless abyss. Even when her employer informs her that her duties include playing babysitter for the two cowboys they hired for the job, she doesn’t complain. She needs the money too much to be fussy. 

Texan rodeo stars Wade Randall and Maverick Green agree to play fashion model for a couple of months because Wade needs the money to buy his own ranch in Texas and Maverick must rest his injured shoulder. However, nothing prepared them for the sight of Adrian when she collects them at the OR Tambo International Airport in South Africa. 

The attraction between the three is instantaneous and the sexual tension so thick it clogs up the interior of Adrian’s four-wheel-drive Toyota Land Cruiser, but none of them are in the market for a serious relationship. Adrian’s past sexual mistakes caused her financial misery and she has no desire for a repeat performance while the men’s plans for life exclude permanent partners for a long time to come. 

Isolated on a working farm in the Highveld of the Mpumalanga Province, Adrian is unable to resist the sexual pleasures the two cowboys promise. With the firm understanding that none of them wants a serious relationship, they embark on a journey of sexual discovery that melts the cold winter days.

However, when old acquaintances from Adrian’s past arrive, she learns that over-indulgence always comes at a price… 

Her Bareback Cowboys is available from Totally Bound, All Romance Ebooks, Amazon US and Amazon UK 

For more information about other books, upcoming events and advanced previews of new releases, visit me on my website at ylettepearson.com or join me on my Facebook author page or on Twitter at @ylettepearson.

You're a Loony, Miss Lucy

I'm sure many of you recognize one of the funniest scenes of all time--the Black Knight vs. King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  The Black Knight engages King Arthur in a fight over a footpath, and Arthur swiftly divests the fellow of his arms and legs.  But through it all, the Black Knight refuses to give up.

"I'm invincible!" declares the Black Knight while hopping on one leg.

"You're a loony," replies King Arthur.

I watched this just yesterday and suddenly, it came to me.  I must have laughed with this scene a thousand times, as Monty Python is a major influence on me as a writer.  Hell, as a person.  But this time I finally got it:  I am the Black Knight.

I'm the girl who never says die. In the last two weeks, I had a cold, a major personal setback followed not one hour later by a horrible sciatica attack that put me in bed for a week, my car broke down to the tune of $1200, I received multiple rejections for multiple projects, and my cat barfed in my workout sneakers.  Not that I'm allowed use them at the moment, says my BFF the chiropractor.

I cried.  I railed at the unfeeling universe.  I popped muscle relaxers like it was my job.  But, in the end, you know what I did?  I hopped on my one remaining leg, picked up my laptop with my phantom arms, and started editing a book.  My superheroine book, to be precise.

The heroine of that book, who I beat over the head repeatedly with the plot twist bat, keeps going.  Maybe she shouldn't.  It's nuts that she keeps trying and working and smiling in the face of those who would laugh at her.  But she does.  And so do I.

Sometimes I think...Lucy, some of your ideas are too weird.  They're funny, but too weird!  JUST BE NORMAL.  But I'm the Black Knight, and none shall pass.  I am who I am.  And I will flail on the ground until I can flail no more, dammit.

I've really thought about this since I realized that I'm the Black Knight.  A loon is not the best patronus.  The Black Knight ultimately fails!  But that's only because King Arthur refuses to battle anymore, so I say ol' Knightey won the fight.

I've been told from a reader that my character Samantha Lytton inspires her.  She inspires me, too.  All my heroines do, because they're all loonys.  They keep going, they keep working and, ultimately, they get their happy endings.  Who knows?  Maybe the Black Knight met a lovely nurse and they lived happily ever after until the age of thirty, when most people in the middle ages croaked.

After all--he was invincible.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Sapphire Flogger Edition Featuring Suz deMello

Hello, blog friends, and a merry hump day to you!  Let's give a warm welcome to super nice author Suz deMello who is here to answer my nonsense and share her book, Kinky Toes!

 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I'd love the ability to predict the future. So useful! I could play the stock market and avert disaster--at the same time. 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

What's a smurf? (clicking computer keys wildly). Hmm. Okay, this is all right. Blue is my color--looks good with my eyes. So I'll be Sadistic Smurf, in a metallic blue corset, sapphire-spangled boots and floggers tipped with sapphire arrowheads. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Wow--you're obsessed by aliens. [Editorial note:  She says that like it's a bad thing...] They will study us from afar, then up close, though I doubt they will utilize anal probes. I think a number of us will end up on dissection tables. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Because I will be able to predict the future, I will have already been locked up in an asylum by TPTB for my lunatic ravings about an alien invasion. The aliens will use those of us in the loony bin as free entertainment. 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Presuming the ghostly visitation comes at night, I'll probably dismiss the vision as a fantasy, roll over and go back to sleep. I'm painfully practical. ​ 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Winston Churchill who, despite his leadership during WW2, was incredibly racist and anti-Semitic. [Editorial note part deux:  Ick, can I get in line for the slappin'?]

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​ 

LOL, loaded question here... Pie. Sorry, but there's a lot of boring, tasteless sawdust around masquerading as chocolate cake, which I love. So for consistency of experience, there's nothing like an excellent fruit pie, preferably made with fresh summer fruit. Fresh peach pie is the best!

KINKY TOES, contemporary erotic romance

Shelbie Nathanson resents Rick Saldano's ascension to C.O.O. of her family's shoe company, a job she's wanted all her life. But she can't resist his red-hot, sexy style of lovemaking...one that focuses on her passion: shoes.

http://www.ellorascave.com/kinky-toes.html

Spoopy Halloween to You All!

WooooOOOOoooooOOOO it's that spoopy time of year!  It would not be Halloween without the Pumpkin Man.  If you've never witnessed the wonder that is dancing pumpkin man, well, then, here you go, friend.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Adverbs are Cool Edition Featuring Morticia Knight

My fellow Totally Bound author Morticia Knight is here to kick off October's Stupid Questions in a most appropriate way, considering her name.

We all do, Morticia. We all do.

On to the interview--it's fabulous, darlings!

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

My natural instinct is to go for the body part – but I’m concerned about what that might look like on an alien – so I suppose I’ll choose ability.

Let’s see, anal probing is tempting, but...I want to be able to mysteriously transport humans into my ominously quiet spaceship that magically appears out of nowhere to ruthlessly snatch innocents from their peacefully quiet existence. Not really. I just wanted to see how many adverbs I could use in one sentence.

[Editorial note:  We are very PRO-adverb here; welcome to one of us!]

2. What Smurf would you be? (You can't pick an existing one, like Brainy or Lazy.)

Dammit. Lazy would have been PERFECT. Okay, in that case, I’ll be Wealthy. No, that doesn’t work either, I can’t stop laughing. How about Sleepy? Oh wait, isn’t that a dwarf? I guess I’ll just have to settle for Hottie.

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Is this a sex question? If so...oh, never mind. Since with my luck I’d probably be first in line to become a Morticia casserole, I should probably plan now on how to make myself taste really gross. If anyone has access to any X Files, I’d really appreciate some information on what it is that aliens don’t like to eat, then I’ll roll around in it a lot.

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

Oh boy, that’s a tough one. I still haven’t figured out how to do that while co-existing with my gaseous roommate. *peers over shoulder to make sure he’s not spying on me* Again, those X-Files would really be appreciated. I know most romance readers work for the government, so it would make perfect, logical sense that one of you has some secret alien knowledge. I’ll pay you in e-books. And chocolate.

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

I’ve always found that pointing over their shoulders and yelling “What’s that?” before running like hell works every time. They’re super gullible. That’s why when you pull the covers over your head they go away because they can’t see you.

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Shakespeare. Because of him, I had to sit through an entire semester dissecting why Macbeth did this and Macduff did that. Bla bla bla. I had teenage boys to chase and all those critical essays really cramped my style.

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

And why can’t I pick both? Usually its cake one day then pie the next – alternating every Sunday. Unless it’s a special occasion (such as returning my books to the library) then I celebrate by having both in the same day.

ALL FIRED UP by Morticia Knight

Officer Shawn Everly patrols the Strip and one night, fireman Trent Marshall saves him when danger strikes. But it’s still uncertain whether Trent can save himself from getting his heart broken by Shawn.

The party never ends on the Las Vegas strip but neither does the danger. Officer Everly is new to the beat, having recently relocated to Vegas from Los Angeles. Foot patrol on the Strip is a demanding assignment because he’s up close and personal with the public. But what he’d really like to do is get up close and personal with Station 32’s hunky fireman, Trent Marshall.

Trent has been a fireman for over ten years and is dedicated to his job. He’s built tough and is a no- nonsense man of few words. At a local blood drive, Trent meets the handsome new officer on foot patrol but won’t let himself get too close. He’s lost love before when his policeman lover was killed in the line of fire.

During an emergency, Trent’s over-protective instincts kick in when he believes Shawn is in harm’s way. He ends up embarrassing and angering Shawn in front of their fellow officers, which seems as though it will end any hope of Trent having a chance with the young man he can’t push from his mind. Shawn can’t decide whether he wants to punch or kiss Trent. Kissing wins. Once they spend some time together away from the stresses of their jobs, they find that they’re not just compatible—they’re combustible.

But Trent can’t seem to accept that there are hazards that come with working in law enforcement. Right as they’re discovering how much they mean to one another, the danger escalates on the Strip. The underground vigilante group, The Citizens Against Immorality, have raised the stakes. Will Shawn and Trent be their next targets? 

Available now at Totally Bound and everywhere October 3rd: https://www.totallybound.com/all-fired-up

An Essay About Grief, Rejection, and Jock Strap Island

I've had some tough stuff go down in the last couple of years.  Major family illnesses, friends in a world of trouble and hurt, and some personal things that I'm not really ready to talk about too much, but that rhyme with "zinfertility."*

Some days it's nigh impossible to get out of bed. When so much trauma comes at you all at once, it can start to feel like nothing good will ever happen again. You just duck your head and pray for NOT BAD things, because believing in GOOD things seems, well, stupid. You see people succeeding all around you, their dreams coming true, their careers on a wondrous upward trajectory...but you just try to not step in the shit pile every day.  Well, the big shit piles. The small ones you shrug at.

Yesterday I experienced that thing that happens to all writers: rejection. Of something I was really excited about. It happens, especially when you're like me and writing some pretty unusual stuff for the genre you're in. And I can handle it, I can. Hell, I got rejected the morning after we found out we'd never have a baby. That one stung. It was kind of a mean note, too--insulting--but on that day, I remember thinking, Yeah, I got punched pretty hard yesterday. Try harder, editor--at least call me ugly or something!

Real grief can give you perspective. For sure, a rejection letter is nothing compared to hearing your mom has breast cancer (Which happened to me in the middle of trips to the zinfertility doctor. Fun!) But a rejection can compound what you're already going through, especially when writing is your one salvation, your last vestige of sanity-saving.

The more time that passes, the more I start to climb through the stages of grief, and the easier the little pitfalls get. But I still find it almost impossible to believe that good things can happen out of the blue, as opposed to horrid ones. Believing positively seems like an exercise in futility. And I'm a positive person! My level of self-delusion is high, folks, but it's taken some hard knocks in the last two years.

Something occurred to me yesterday, and it's the reason for this piece. Yes, I'm finally getting to the point, huzzah! I realized this: optimism is one of the bravest things a person can feel. Optimism says Hey, even though I'm buried in a pile of dirty jock straps and the way out is being guarded by a Dementor, I still believe that I will escape from Jock Strap Island and that all will be well.

Do you know how freaking difficult that is?  To keep going after being kicked in the face over and over and over again?  To lift yourself up and take to the computer again, to think to yourself Well, 643287642 bad things have happened, but I bet thing 643287643 will be great!  My grief tells me that all is terrible.  Hell, my PMS tells me that all is terrible.  But there's one, tiny corner of my brain that whispers...Keep going.  Things have to improve sooner or later.  It's been "later" for years now, but better is coming!

I'm not trying to be too "woe is me."  There is always worse in the world--always.  And I wrote a three-book series in the midst of my worst grief.  (Badass, party of one!)  But I do want to tell everyone out there that hope is a brave word.  A brave, brave, brave word.  Optimism is easy when everything you touch is gold.  It's a defiant act of aggression when everything you touch is rust--an act you should feel damn proud of.  That's not to say that when you or I feel hopeless we're doing something wrong.  At times, there's nothing else to do but sob and scream and beat up your couch pillows.  But if you can lift your face to the sun, even for one second, I'm proud of you.  I know how much that belief in good things costs you.  "Just cheer up!" "Just relax!" they parrot at you.  They have no idea, but I do.

You're amazing, and so am I.

So I wrote 3000 words yesterday after my rejection.  Emily Dickinson said that hope is a thing with feathers.  But hope is also a warrior woman in steel armor covered in the blood of her metaphorical enemies who picks herself off the battlefield and keeps on fighting.

*I'll say this as kindly as possible: I'm not looking for advice or uplifting stories or "have you tried...?" regarding our zinfertility. Also, yes, we've heard of that thing called zadoption, so we're good on that score. Thanks for your understanding.

The Dimple of Doom Featured in Chat Magazine!

Wowee, look!  The Dimple of Doom is offered in this week's Chat Magazine as a promo giveaway!  

Chat is a UK mag, for those of us in the US who may not be in the know.  I feel so fancy now.  Surely my boring life will soon give way to yachting expeditions with J.K. Rowling and the ghost of Ernest Hemingway!  

Ugh, maybe not him.  The ghost of Mary Shelley instead.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Horny Ghosts > Zombies Edition Featuring Lisabet Sarai(& a Giveaway!)

I'm so happy to have lively author Lisabet Sarai here to answer my hard-hitting questions about acid-farting aliens.  Take it away, Lisabet!

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

I’d opt for a long, prehensile tongue. Just think how convenient it would be to be able to lick the very last vestiges of Martian Melon ice cream out of the corners of the container. And then I could use the tongue to clean off any unsightly residue clinging to my cheeks. (I’ve always envied my cats that ability.)

The tongue would likely be studded with highly sensitive receptors for temperature, humidity, pheromones, and other assorted organic molecules - rather like a snake’s. This would enable me to intuit the mental states of people around me. 

 

Actually, I considered requesting telepathy as my desired alien ability, but I decided that could get messy. Probably I’d be totally disgusted if I knew what most people are thinking. The tongue, in contrast, would give me more general information, responding mostly to those chemical signals that reveal emotion or arousal. Just imagine, no more wondering: “Does he really fancy me, or is he just buttering me up because I’m his boss?” And no, the sexual advantages of this hypothetical alien tongue have nothing to do with my choice. How could you suggest such a thing?

2. What Smurf would you be?

There’s more than one Smurf? Sorry, but I’m barely aware of what a Smurf is. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit my cultural illiteracy, but I grew up in the original troll era. Now, if I were a troll, I’d have purple hair. 

(I’m well aware that I could have purple hair now, if I desired, but I don’t think the effect would be the same.)

So, I surmise, based on this question, that there are multiple Smurf characters who are named based on their personality attributes. (No, I am not going to go to Google and research this issue. That would be against the rules.) Under those constraints, I’d probably be Goody-Goody. Though you might not guess this from my avocation as an author of seriously spicy fiction, I’ve always tried to follow the rules and win the approbation of those in authority. And when I don’t – well, I just don’t advertise the fact.

Hey, it works for me.

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Actually, I think it’s likely they’ll ignore us – sort of the way we ignore mold, algae and worms most of the time. Any creatures bright enough to make it to our planet would have no need for wimpy creatures like us as their slaves.

Unless, of course, you’re talking about sex slaves. There are always possibilities in that plot line.

Especially if they have prehensile tongues. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

Well, if they actually did want to eat me, I’d point out the research that suggests vegetarians taste better than meat eaters. I have an unfortunate weakness for pork chops and roast lamb. If that didn’t send them running off in the direction of the closest hippie commune, I’d whip out my tongue and try to distract them.

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet?

This question is not sufficiently well-specified. What is this smart ghost trying to do to me? What are his motives? What tragic events in his past have led to him hanging around the material plane in the first place? As an author, I know you’ve got to understand the conflicts between characters before you can imagine a way to resolve them.

Actually, I’ve got a soft spot for ghosts. The first romance I wrote, back when I was in high school, featured a mansion overlooking the ocean, haunted by the shade of a sea captain who’d owned the place a century before. Of course he falls in love with the current tenant, and vice versa. This was long before the movie Ghost.

I find the notion of seducing a specter – or the opposite – more appealing than scary. So I probably wouldn’t try to foil him at all. Especially not if he was as intelligent as you claim. For me, brains are the ultimate turn-on. (We’re talking ghosts here, not zombies. Don’t get me started on zombies... I hate zombies.)

Think about it. An incorporeal boyfriend would be pretty low maintenance. No dirty socks. No problems with leaving the toilet seat up.

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

I’m not really a “slap the shit outta someone” sort of girl. However, I’d be tempted with Margaret Thatcher. Her lack of compassion was simply appalling. It’s really hard to find a way to be funny about her.

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?

Pie, hands down. Much better for throwing in the face of people whom you’d really rather slap the shit out of, if you’re too goody-goody to attempt real violence.

And if I got hit with a pie myself, I could easily use the tongue to clean myself off.

The Ingredients of Bliss 

One sexy French chef. One kinky American TV producer. One ambitious Chinese gal who thinks she wants them both. The ingredients of bliss? Or a recipe for disaster? 

Accomplished cook Mei Lee “Emily” Wong knows exactly what she wants - her own show on the Tastes of France food channel. But life is full of complications. First, her deceptively nerdy producer, Harry Sanborne, initiates Emily into the delights of submission. Then her boss, legendary chef Etienne Duvalier, begs her to dominate him. Emily just can’t resist - especially when Harry orders her to explore her inner mistress. Suave and sexy Etienne will do whatever she asks - in the bedroom if not in the kitchen. And Harry, her lovingly diabolical Dom, adores pushing Emily’s limits.

When the network sends the trio to France to shoot a series of cooking shows on location, Emily knows her career is on the upswing. Her plans fall apart in Marseille as a Hong Kong crime syndicate kidnaps both Etienne and Harry. The Iron Hammer Triad mistakes Etienne for notorious gangster Jean Le Requin, who has stolen their drug shipment, worth millions. Emily realizes she must find the real Le Requin, retrieve the purloined dope, and bargain it for Harry’s and Etienne’s lives. The secret she’s been keeping from Harry might prove useful. Still, what chance does one woman whose knife skills are limited to chopping vegetables have against the ruthless cruelty of two criminal organizations?

Get your copy of The Ingredients of Bliss today:

Totally Bound, All Romance eBooks, Amazon US, Amazon UK

For more about me, follow my blog Beyond Romance (http://lisabetsarai.blogspot.com). Visit my website (http://www.lisabetsarai.com) for a full list of my books, covers and excerpts, and lots of free stories.

GIVEAWAY!

I'm not nearly as funny as my hostess. However, if you'd like the chance to sample some of my more humorous work, leave a comment with your email below. I'll randomly drawn one name and give her (or him) a copy of Her Secret Ingredient, the prequel to The Ingredients of Bliss. 

Self-Love is Sexy and Good for the...Brain

My husband and I just got back from four days in Palm Springs, where we'd rented a house with a pool and pretended to be rich.  It was a good fantasy, the adorable mid-century house with the crystal-blue pool in the back yard.  We needed a getaway to turn our brains off and de-stress.

Just before we left LA to drive the two hours or so, we were a little late, and my husband was stressing out big time. He not only had wanted to get out of the house earlier, but blamed himself for not doing so, and thus, began a cycle of self-flagellation.

Leslie Knope does not approve!

I said something spur of the moment that kind of became a mantra: We're only allowed to say nice things to ourselves this weekend.

We're only allowed to say nice things to ourselves this weekend.

It may seem silly, or trite, or even rather useless, this sentiment.  But I found myself saying it to him here and there, and to myself quite a lot.  When I fussed over an outfit to go out to dinner in, being hyper-critical of my appearance...say nice things to yourself, Lucy.  So I took a step out of the negative lady programming screeched at us from every TV show, movie, and magazine, and told myself I looked nice.  And I did!  Cute dress; bangin' body (if I do say so...); sexy, wild hair.  What's not to like?

I did this again and again over the few days.  When I felt guilty for putting my writing work down for a few days...I told myself I deserved a vacation.  When I might have had too many margaritas and accidentally left the hot dogs out on the counter all night...I told myself that everyone makes mistakes.  I urged my husband to be kind to himself, too, and I saw him relax more and more as the days went on.

This morning, it was back to the grind for us.  I saw the mantle of responsibility slip once again over my husband's shoulders.  I gave him a kiss and said to him...let's keep the rule going.  We're only allowed to say nice things to ourselves in our heads.  Because you know what?  It works.  It's a much pleasanter brain to live in, this one that's being kind to itself.  I will shove out the negative, cyclical thoughts...and treat myself the way I'd treat a friend or family member who was being too hard to themselves.

In my regular life, there are certain sneaky hate spirals I go to again and again, brought on by the grief I've been coping with, or book sales and writing frustrations. Today, I stopped these nasty thoughts by telling myself that's not nice, Lucy! Would you ever say this to a friend? Then stop it, and also you look cute in that skirt.

I encourage you to be nice to yourself today.  Pay attention to the negativity you throw at yourself--I bet you don't even realize it's there, do you?  But it adds up, and it's so cruel.

I'll help:  Hey you, reading this amazing blog--you are only allowed to say nice things to yourself today!

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Up with Jane Austen! Edition Featuring Angela Quarles

The lovely author Angela Quarles is here this happy hump day to tell us how she's (mostly) a cake lady, and thank goodness.  (As always, this is a down-with-pies blog!)

 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

 

Oh, wow. Hmm… I don't know if this counts, but right now it'd be really handy to have the ability to create duplicates of myself like the characters in David Brin's science fiction novel The Kiln People. Basically you could make clay copies of yourself that had your memories and abilities and they lasted for about a day, and you could send them off to do errands for you.

 

2. What Smurf would you be?

 

Yikes, I'm going to show my age here by saying I have no clue. I was in high school and college when they were on TV. I just know they're blue, and they have floppy white hats?

 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

 

Neither probably. Though, of the two, eating us would be more probable, LOL. If not used as a food source, then probably as some kind of forced labor, and I doubt we'd be treated well. I've always kind of hoped that the reason we haven't seen any yet, is because in order to get to the stage where intergalactic travel is possible and affordable, a species would have to evolve to a certain point socially (overcome their own planetary politics) and if that's the case, they just have us on some kind of low-grade monitor waiting for us to get our act together before they make First Contact.

 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

 

Oh gosh. Try to find out what entertains them writing-wise and write, write, write!

 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

 

Hmm, kind of hard to answer as I don't know what the ghost is doing. I live in a house that's supposedly haunted, but they're my own ancestors, so they don't bother me I guess. 

 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

 

Mark Twain for his dislike of Jane Austen, though I've never been quite sure if it was just part of his cantankerous posing or what he truly thought. I mean, OUCH: "I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice, I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

 

Thankfully, it's cake for me! German Chocolate cake… Carrot cake… though I'm not adverse to the odd pecan pie thrown my way, just saying.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:He Smurfed His Smurf Edition Featuring Ella Laurance

In the hot seat for my ridiculous quiz about Smurfs and whatnot is author Ella Laurance!

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

I wouldn’t mind a brain capable of thinking up perfectly edited stories that I can upload to a computer from any place just by thought alone. Let’s be honest, most of the writing happens in your head anyway.

2. What Smurf would you be?

Story Smurf, what else? He smurfed his smurf and she was so smurfy about it that she slowly began to smurf his smurf too... See what I mean?

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Keep a few of us as pets for fun, and eat the rest.

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

That’s easy. With two sciency sons, it should be possible to develop a perfume so horrible the aliens will think I am the one and only earthly incarnation of the Goddess of Godly Stink.

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

Simply ignore them, it makes them sit down in a corner and softly complain. Keep it up for a while (yes, even when the moans and groans get louder and some might even try to lure you into a never ending philosophical debate about the Definition of Reality, because ghosts don’t like to be ignored) but after a week or so they will leave and try somewhere else.

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Since greatness all too often comes with a wide variety of ugly, nasty or generally unpleasant traits, I consider this too much work for one individual. So kindly assign one to me and I’ll do my bit for humanity.

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

As a Dutch person I can happily say: “Who cares? It’s all taart.”

* * *

Ella Laurence writes about independent women who know what they want from a man and who are unapologetic about their sexual fantasies.

Wanton Women at Work, the complete collection, can be found here. Ella's blog: http://ellalaurance.wordpress.com/

Just Look at This Mansion for Cat Poop!

As found on PetSmart.com

Holy crap, pun intended, look at this thing my husband came home with last night.  It's a freaking shit mansion for our cat.

It's got a sunken poop room.  I don't have one of those!  My toilets just bolt to the floor like I'm some kind of schmoe.  And our bathrooms are rectangular--I never feel like I'm whizzing in a space ship.  I don't get to pretend I'm on the Enterprise about to pass Uhura a tampon like we're bathroom buddies.

I really hope princess kittypants appreciates her amazing new toilet.  I bet she won't.  I bet she expresses her gratitude the same way she always does.  By pooping on everything that's lovely.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Anal-Retentive Edition Featuring Jessi Gage

 

Up at bat for my silly questions today is romance author Jessi Gage, a lovely lady indeed and a great friend.  See, ain't she the cutest?

1.  If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

If I could stop time, I would be golden. I would love an extra ten hours in every day. Just for me. I would use it to read. Yup. That would be awesome.

2.  What Smurf would you be?

I would be Anal Retentive Smurf.

3.  Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

I’m hoping they’ll be like the Kindred in Evangeline Anderson’s sexy Sci-Fi series. I think they will want to make us all their unwilling brides, and they will spend an entire week courting us and chipping away at our resolve with tender caresses and thoughtful dirty-talk.

3A.  Follow up:  What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

I will distinguish myself by being the willing one.

4.  What's the best way to foil a ghost?  A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

Funny you should ask. This is actually the main conflict in my new release, Jade’s Spirit. A stripper on the run and a virginal lawn guy have to put their heads together to fight a ghost with a sexy agenda. It’s kind of a mashup of romance, inspy, and horror. You’ll have to read it to get my answer to this one *winks* But I’ll give a hint. Foiling a ghost might require you to get over any fear of commitment you might have…

5.  If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Does it have to be a real historical character? Because at the moment, I would love to smack the shit out of Black Jack John Randall in Outlander. But knowing that sadistic bastard, he would probably like it.

6.  Cake or pie?  And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

I don’t like cake. *sticks tongue out like Mr. Yuck* I’ll eat it to be polite, but I much prefer pie. Cherry is my favorite. My mom’s apple pie is a close second. Chocolate crème pie is great for pregnancy cravings. Pecan and pumpkin are perfect for autumn. I could go on, but I suddenly find myself needing to run to the grocery store for ingredients.

Thanks so much for having me, Lucy! You always make me laugh!

[Editorial note:  Thanks, Jessi!  I like you, too--despite your pie penchant *Mr. Yuck face*.]

 

JADE'S SPIRIT blurb:

When exotic dancer Jade seeks refuge from an abusive boyfriend in her grandmother’s aging Victorian home, she finds she’s not the only houseguest. A dream-invading incubus has taken up residence, and it wants Jade’s soul. Fortunately, a flirtatious lawn-care provider has a trick or two up his sleeve for dealing with hauntings. And he has definite rebound-guy potential—if only he would stop inviting her to church. 

The virginity vow Emmett "the lawn guy" Herald took when he was seventeen has become legendary in Dover, Vermont. Ten years later, everyone is waiting to see if he’ll blow a decade of “waiting for marriage” now that he’s dating the new girl from the big city. Even Emmett thinks he has met his match in the vivacious Boston beauty. In fact, he’s starting to think virginity may be overrated.

A spark of attraction ignites between Jade and Emmett, and quickly grows into a roaring inferno. But with a demon fanning the flames, attraction has never been so perilous.

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