Stupid Questions with Lucy:SMH at Saints Edition Featuring Jenna Byrnes

Please help me welcome author Jenna Byrnes who will save all of humanity with Candy Crush, as well as other assorted apps on her phone.

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I would love to be able to transport from one place to another in the blink of an eye. I’m a lousy traveler and usually just barely on time for work, so that would be totally cool and helpful. 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

Since I can’t go a day without my computer, I guess Computy Smurf works for me. Or Candy Crush Smurf??? 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

We will enslave them and attempt to treat them well because we are not animals, after all. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Prove myself invaluable with great knowledge. They may not be aware that I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers. (Found that online, loved it. LOL) 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Everyone knows cheap foil is not the same as Reynold’s Wrap so I suggest paying a little extra and going with the good stuff. I still laugh when I think about Joaquin Phoenix and his niece and nephew sitting in front of the TV with foil on their heads in the movie Signs. Mua ha ha!

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Here’s one for you, in 1265 (now Saint) Thomas Aquinas argued that sodomy was second only to murder in the ranking of sins. Even though many men in history were known to be gay and it wasn’t any big deal, for instance Trajan (53-117 AD) who was gay and is remembered as a successful soldier-emperor who presided over the greatest military expansion in Roman history. Aquinas called Trajan a “virtuous pagan”. Puh-leese! 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

Cake, all the way. I make my own greeting cards for friends and one of my favorites says, I was going to make you a rum cake for your birthday, but now I’m drunk and it’s just a cake. 

Thanks for letting me be stupid with you, Lucy! Readers can find all my books on my website: http://www.jennabyrnes.com/ or keep up with me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorjennabyrnes 

My latest release is Peyton’s Pursuit, book two in the Kansas City Heat series from Totally Bound.

A home invasion leaves one man dead. Can the KCPD track down the killer before anyone else is murdered? 

Detective Nick Peyton lands a homicide case involving stolen property. He finds himself with the tedious task of visiting pawn shops, showing photos of jewelry and other missing items. When he meets store owner Rob Hewlett, Nick suddenly feels like this is the best job he’s ever had. 

Nick and Rob share an immediate attraction and act on it without much thought. With his mind on other things, Nick exchanges only the most basic information with the hot stud who has captivated his heart and soul. He soon comes to realize how little they know about each other and that, sometimes, secrets can be deadly. 

https://www.totallybound.com/peytons-pursuit 

Series blurb: Kansas City Heat by Jenna Byrnes 

Kansas City, the ‘Heart of America’ is home to great jazz music and world famous barbecue. The KCPD is the largest police department in Missouri, with a mission to protect life and property while reducing fear and disorder. Det James Dixon and his partners take their oaths to serve and protect very seriously. But sometimes it’s about more than just the job. And when things get hot in Kansas City, it’s not just the barbecue sauce talking.

See the full series here: https://www.totallybound.com/series/kansas-city-heat

My Author-to-Reader Statement of Ethics

There have been a lot of horrific stories of author-on-reader hate lately. Google "badly behaving authors" and prepare to gasp. I'd like to make my intentions known, as an author, and explain how I feel about my amazing readers. I went on a bit of a rant recently on Twitter, and I stand behind it, so I'm publishing it here.  Er, sorry for the typos.  It was a rant, after all.

We, as authors, must do better than petty bullshit and ridiculousness. I'm not perfect, but damn, I appreciate each and every one of you, and I will try my darndest to be great for you in every way.

 

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Aliens vs. Husband Edition Featuring Ylette Pearson

Author Ylette Pearson is in my hot seat this week answering my turgid questions while talking about bareback cowboys.  If you can't make three dirty jokes out of the last sentence, then you might not belong on a site of mine.

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I could use another pair of hands. Being a lousy and slow typist, think of the possibilities if I wanted to increase my daily word count (and I desperately need to). Another pair of hands would also come in handy when attempting to try out the scenes I write in my novels—every writer has to do that, right?

2. What Smurf would you be? (You can't pick an existing one, like Brainy or Lazy.) 

I’m not saying that I grew up with the Smurfs and has long since forgotten their names, because I might reveal my age, so I’ll stick to a name they couldn’t possibly have. Lazy and Brainy fits like a glove, but alas, it’s forbidden to use them. Hmm, the most apt description of the blue Smurf I’d be must be Tangled Smurf. I’m always somewhat buried in a tangled mess of both my unmanageable hair and the little (and large) dumps the cosmic powers regularly drop on my doorstep. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

If they have enough intelligence to see this planet as an asset, I believe they will quickly realize humans are not a tasty treat. I also think they will mostly ignore us because with their superior intelligence they wouldn’t need someone as slow as humans to do their work. (They just have to glance at my typing speed to pity us.) 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

I’d hide behind my husband who’d give them a run for their money and distract the attention away from my delectable body. Seriously though, who’d want to harm such a beautiful creature like me? 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

With a smart ghost, you don’t stand a chance. It’s best to invite them in and have them join in the fun that’s your life. In my case, they’d hightail it out of there soon enough as crazy women scare the hell out of all men—even ghosts. 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

I’d have to say Shakespeare. The man is responsible for the most hours of sweating behind study guides in human history. 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

No contest—cake wins hands down. Nothing like a cup of strong, black and bitter homebrewed coffee and a juicy piece of chocolate cake to put a sugarcoating on your day. (If I had the extra pair of hands, I could still work on my novel while doing this.)

Her Bareback Cowboys by Ylette Pearson 

When riding bareback proves too much of a temptation to resist… 

When the Groundhog Saddle Company awards twenty-six-year-old freelance photographer and divorcee, Adrian Barlow the coveted assignment of advertising their saddles and other leather products, she jumps at the opportunity. Her bank account is in dire need of replenishing and her reputation as a photographer hangs by a shred over a bottomless abyss. Even when her employer informs her that her duties include playing babysitter for the two cowboys they hired for the job, she doesn’t complain. She needs the money too much to be fussy. 

Texan rodeo stars Wade Randall and Maverick Green agree to play fashion model for a couple of months because Wade needs the money to buy his own ranch in Texas and Maverick must rest his injured shoulder. However, nothing prepared them for the sight of Adrian when she collects them at the OR Tambo International Airport in South Africa. 

The attraction between the three is instantaneous and the sexual tension so thick it clogs up the interior of Adrian’s four-wheel-drive Toyota Land Cruiser, but none of them are in the market for a serious relationship. Adrian’s past sexual mistakes caused her financial misery and she has no desire for a repeat performance while the men’s plans for life exclude permanent partners for a long time to come. 

Isolated on a working farm in the Highveld of the Mpumalanga Province, Adrian is unable to resist the sexual pleasures the two cowboys promise. With the firm understanding that none of them wants a serious relationship, they embark on a journey of sexual discovery that melts the cold winter days.

However, when old acquaintances from Adrian’s past arrive, she learns that over-indulgence always comes at a price… 

Her Bareback Cowboys is available from Totally Bound, All Romance Ebooks, Amazon US and Amazon UK 

For more information about other books, upcoming events and advanced previews of new releases, visit me on my website at ylettepearson.com or join me on my Facebook author page or on Twitter at @ylettepearson.

You're a Loony, Miss Lucy

I'm sure many of you recognize one of the funniest scenes of all time--the Black Knight vs. King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  The Black Knight engages King Arthur in a fight over a footpath, and Arthur swiftly divests the fellow of his arms and legs.  But through it all, the Black Knight refuses to give up.

"I'm invincible!" declares the Black Knight while hopping on one leg.

"You're a loony," replies King Arthur.

I watched this just yesterday and suddenly, it came to me.  I must have laughed with this scene a thousand times, as Monty Python is a major influence on me as a writer.  Hell, as a person.  But this time I finally got it:  I am the Black Knight.

I'm the girl who never says die. In the last two weeks, I had a cold, a major personal setback followed not one hour later by a horrible sciatica attack that put me in bed for a week, my car broke down to the tune of $1200, I received multiple rejections for multiple projects, and my cat barfed in my workout sneakers.  Not that I'm allowed use them at the moment, says my BFF the chiropractor.

I cried.  I railed at the unfeeling universe.  I popped muscle relaxers like it was my job.  But, in the end, you know what I did?  I hopped on my one remaining leg, picked up my laptop with my phantom arms, and started editing a book.  My superheroine book, to be precise.

The heroine of that book, who I beat over the head repeatedly with the plot twist bat, keeps going.  Maybe she shouldn't.  It's nuts that she keeps trying and working and smiling in the face of those who would laugh at her.  But she does.  And so do I.

Sometimes I think...Lucy, some of your ideas are too weird.  They're funny, but too weird!  JUST BE NORMAL.  But I'm the Black Knight, and none shall pass.  I am who I am.  And I will flail on the ground until I can flail no more, dammit.

I've really thought about this since I realized that I'm the Black Knight.  A loon is not the best patronus.  The Black Knight ultimately fails!  But that's only because King Arthur refuses to battle anymore, so I say ol' Knightey won the fight.

I've been told from a reader that my character Samantha Lytton inspires her.  She inspires me, too.  All my heroines do, because they're all loonys.  They keep going, they keep working and, ultimately, they get their happy endings.  Who knows?  Maybe the Black Knight met a lovely nurse and they lived happily ever after until the age of thirty, when most people in the middle ages croaked.

After all--he was invincible.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Sapphire Flogger Edition Featuring Suz deMello

Hello, blog friends, and a merry hump day to you!  Let's give a warm welcome to super nice author Suz deMello who is here to answer my nonsense and share her book, Kinky Toes!

 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I'd love the ability to predict the future. So useful! I could play the stock market and avert disaster--at the same time. 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

What's a smurf? (clicking computer keys wildly). Hmm. Okay, this is all right. Blue is my color--looks good with my eyes. So I'll be Sadistic Smurf, in a metallic blue corset, sapphire-spangled boots and floggers tipped with sapphire arrowheads. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Wow--you're obsessed by aliens. [Editorial note:  She says that like it's a bad thing...] They will study us from afar, then up close, though I doubt they will utilize anal probes. I think a number of us will end up on dissection tables. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Because I will be able to predict the future, I will have already been locked up in an asylum by TPTB for my lunatic ravings about an alien invasion. The aliens will use those of us in the loony bin as free entertainment. 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Presuming the ghostly visitation comes at night, I'll probably dismiss the vision as a fantasy, roll over and go back to sleep. I'm painfully practical. ​ 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Winston Churchill who, despite his leadership during WW2, was incredibly racist and anti-Semitic. [Editorial note part deux:  Ick, can I get in line for the slappin'?]

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​ 

LOL, loaded question here... Pie. Sorry, but there's a lot of boring, tasteless sawdust around masquerading as chocolate cake, which I love. So for consistency of experience, there's nothing like an excellent fruit pie, preferably made with fresh summer fruit. Fresh peach pie is the best!

KINKY TOES, contemporary erotic romance

Shelbie Nathanson resents Rick Saldano's ascension to C.O.O. of her family's shoe company, a job she's wanted all her life. But she can't resist his red-hot, sexy style of lovemaking...one that focuses on her passion: shoes.

http://www.ellorascave.com/kinky-toes.html

Spoopy Halloween to You All!

WooooOOOOoooooOOOO it's that spoopy time of year!  It would not be Halloween without the Pumpkin Man.  If you've never witnessed the wonder that is dancing pumpkin man, well, then, here you go, friend.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Adverbs are Cool Edition Featuring Morticia Knight

My fellow Totally Bound author Morticia Knight is here to kick off October's Stupid Questions in a most appropriate way, considering her name.

We all do, Morticia. We all do.

On to the interview--it's fabulous, darlings!

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

My natural instinct is to go for the body part – but I’m concerned about what that might look like on an alien – so I suppose I’ll choose ability.

Let’s see, anal probing is tempting, but...I want to be able to mysteriously transport humans into my ominously quiet spaceship that magically appears out of nowhere to ruthlessly snatch innocents from their peacefully quiet existence. Not really. I just wanted to see how many adverbs I could use in one sentence.

[Editorial note:  We are very PRO-adverb here; welcome to one of us!]

2. What Smurf would you be? (You can't pick an existing one, like Brainy or Lazy.)

Dammit. Lazy would have been PERFECT. Okay, in that case, I’ll be Wealthy. No, that doesn’t work either, I can’t stop laughing. How about Sleepy? Oh wait, isn’t that a dwarf? I guess I’ll just have to settle for Hottie.

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Is this a sex question? If so...oh, never mind. Since with my luck I’d probably be first in line to become a Morticia casserole, I should probably plan now on how to make myself taste really gross. If anyone has access to any X Files, I’d really appreciate some information on what it is that aliens don’t like to eat, then I’ll roll around in it a lot.

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

Oh boy, that’s a tough one. I still haven’t figured out how to do that while co-existing with my gaseous roommate. *peers over shoulder to make sure he’s not spying on me* Again, those X-Files would really be appreciated. I know most romance readers work for the government, so it would make perfect, logical sense that one of you has some secret alien knowledge. I’ll pay you in e-books. And chocolate.

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

I’ve always found that pointing over their shoulders and yelling “What’s that?” before running like hell works every time. They’re super gullible. That’s why when you pull the covers over your head they go away because they can’t see you.

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Shakespeare. Because of him, I had to sit through an entire semester dissecting why Macbeth did this and Macduff did that. Bla bla bla. I had teenage boys to chase and all those critical essays really cramped my style.

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

And why can’t I pick both? Usually its cake one day then pie the next – alternating every Sunday. Unless it’s a special occasion (such as returning my books to the library) then I celebrate by having both in the same day.

ALL FIRED UP by Morticia Knight

Officer Shawn Everly patrols the Strip and one night, fireman Trent Marshall saves him when danger strikes. But it’s still uncertain whether Trent can save himself from getting his heart broken by Shawn.

The party never ends on the Las Vegas strip but neither does the danger. Officer Everly is new to the beat, having recently relocated to Vegas from Los Angeles. Foot patrol on the Strip is a demanding assignment because he’s up close and personal with the public. But what he’d really like to do is get up close and personal with Station 32’s hunky fireman, Trent Marshall.

Trent has been a fireman for over ten years and is dedicated to his job. He’s built tough and is a no- nonsense man of few words. At a local blood drive, Trent meets the handsome new officer on foot patrol but won’t let himself get too close. He’s lost love before when his policeman lover was killed in the line of fire.

During an emergency, Trent’s over-protective instincts kick in when he believes Shawn is in harm’s way. He ends up embarrassing and angering Shawn in front of their fellow officers, which seems as though it will end any hope of Trent having a chance with the young man he can’t push from his mind. Shawn can’t decide whether he wants to punch or kiss Trent. Kissing wins. Once they spend some time together away from the stresses of their jobs, they find that they’re not just compatible—they’re combustible.

But Trent can’t seem to accept that there are hazards that come with working in law enforcement. Right as they’re discovering how much they mean to one another, the danger escalates on the Strip. The underground vigilante group, The Citizens Against Immorality, have raised the stakes. Will Shawn and Trent be their next targets? 

Available now at Totally Bound and everywhere October 3rd: https://www.totallybound.com/all-fired-up