Book Giveaway for ONE DAY ONLYCelebrate GALENTINE'S DAY with a free book or 25% off!

 

Here here here click here to win shit!

 

To hell with Valentine’s Day — celebrate GALENTINE’S DAY with a feminist, funny rom-com by moi.  Mandi @ Smexy Books says, “This author can crack me up like no one else.”  See?  You can’t lose!

Contest on Galentine’s Day only, Feb. 13th!

I'm Giving Away 3 Paper Copies of THE DIMPLE OF DOOM on Goodreads!

Naturally, I assume you already own four copies of THE DIMPLE OF DOOM, Greatest Book of Our Time (TM), but just in case you'd like to win a paperback copy, enter below! This contest is for the book sniffers, the page fondlers who don't enjoy electronic reading. Plus, fondling is fun. And I totally get it! I, for one, enjoy proudly reading my funny romance in public where all can enjoy.

Goodreads Book Giveaway

The Dimple of Doom

by Lucy Woodhull

Giveaway ends March 11, 2014.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

Everything Normal in Russia Extra Great Olympics Now.

There is definitely not any shower surveillance happening in Sochi at Olympics.

The strange black wire you see in toilet is of no mind.  It is…flushing apparatus.  Yes, flushing apparatus.  But do not touch.  NEVER TOUCH FLUSHING APPARATUS.

Unusual bug on wall is totally normal.  Is Russian decorate thing.  But is not actual bug like KGB.  Did I say KGB?  I mean American NSA.  See?  Other countries are shit, too.

If you hear voice coming from under mattress, is merely high-tech welcoming device to remind you of home.  Please obey all orders it suggest.  You can pretend it is nagging wife!  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Is joke.

Is not really joke.  Obey voice.

You may have heard “In Soviet Russia, TV watches you!”  This is absolutely untrue.  TV does not work, no matter what clicking may be coming from behind it.  There is no click, and never has been a click.  Click does not mean watching.  If someone tell you opposite, please to report them to Olympic “Welcome” Committee.  Yes, we mean to use quotes.  Why?

Some guests may experience special visits in dead of night from hotel management.  They are merely check on your satisfaction.  Please show proof of passport to express satisfaction.  We may borrow passport so that you may be satisfied for an unspecified length of time.  You will definitely enjoy.  Definitely.

Welcome to Olympics!

It's Time for Dimple Part Deux!

 

Friends, I have a new book out!  The long-anticipated (at least by me) sequel to THE DIMPLE OF DOOM is out today!  It's called THE DIMPLE STRIKES BACK, and it's got more dimpling, more evildoers, more hot dudes, and more of Samantha Lytton being, well, herself, which is to say "more total fucking disasters."

To get to write a sequel to a book that's so close to my heart is an amazing thing, and I'm so very proud of this one.  My first review for The Dimple Strikes Back came via Goodreads, and it read thus:

Mandy, you've put a tear in my eye.  And I'm not joking -- I am that schmoopy.

Stay tuned here for giveaways and promo events!  However, you just HAD to buy it right now because it's the best book in the history of the printed page (and who am I to stop you?) here are some linkys.

Lucy — Website Goodreads Twitter Facebook

Book One:  THE DIMPLE OF DOOM — Available in print and digital from:  Totally Bound, Amazon, AllRomance.com, B&N, Sony / Excerpt here.

Book Two:  THE DIMPLE STRIKES BACK — Available in digital from:  Totally Bound , Amazon, AllRomance.com / Excerpt here.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, (had) a marvelous Chanukah, a delightful Kwanza, a fruitful Festivus, and/or a fantabulous pagan celebration of presents and fruitcake!

~Lucy

Answers to Those Horrible Fucking Life Questions You Get During the Holidays

Yes, it’s that time of year again.  The time when Aunt Judgmental casually pries your heart out with a melon baller by asking a seemingly-innocuous question over the dinner table at Christmas.  Since you probably can’t tell her or Uncle Nosypants to go &^#@ themselves, here are some answers designed to confuse, dismay, and discourage follow-up discussion.

"Are you dating anyone?"

Real Answer:  Well, I am dodging dick pics from a real asshole I had coffee with once, but who thinks we’re engaged now.

Better Answer:  I am seeking my prince/princess, just as Disney taught me, so I’ve begun the paperwork to declare myself a constitutional monarchy like Monaco.  Once it goes through, I expect to be swimming in crowns and marriage contracts.  If you wish to send a delegation to the country of Me, I have some paperwork for you.

"How’s your job search going?"

Real Answer:  I’m wearing two mis-matched shoes I found in an alley — does that tell you anything?
Better Answer:  I’ve decided to become a superhero.  I even got myself a radioactive spider to speed things up!  It’s right h— oh, shit.  Um, have you seen a black and fluorescent spider anywhere?

"When are you having kids?! Tick tock LOLLLLL!"

Real Answer:  How about you get a fucking life instead of trying to live through my reproductive organs?

Better Answer:  I’ll furnish you with a bouncing baby as soon as I have the money.  By the way, can I borrow twenty thousand dollars?  You don’t have to answer now, I’ll just keep asking every time I see you, notice you’re on Facebook, fart in your general direction…

"When are you going to get a real job?”

Real Answer:  It seems as if I can already buy better taste than you, so I’m not sure what the problem is…

Better Answer:  I read that people who are [whatever the question-asker’s profession is] experience a high rate of sadness and personal dissatisfaction.  Why is that?

"Why are you still single?  Maybe you should lower your standards!"

Real Answer:  *With a pointed look to the question asker* I already have enough assholes in my life, thank you.

Better Answer:  You’re right.  I’ve been looking for another human who treats me with kindness and respect, but that seems to be out of the question.  The only thing that has wanted to cuddle with me in the last six months is my cat.  She is really cute, though…  Let me show you a picture — she’s totally coming on to me in this one, right?  I knew it!

"I thought you were losing weight?"

Real Answer:  I wanted to lose two hundred pounds, but it’s illegal to kill members of my family.

Better Answer:  I was, but it’s a quirk of my metabolism that I gain a pound every time someone asks me that question.

Guest Post -- Author Melissa Blue: Please Don't Call Me Humorous

I'm so happy to welcome rom-com author Melissa Blue to eulogize the dreaded "rom-com" label, and to tell us about her book FORBIDDEN RENDEZVOUS!

* * *

I'm sorry to have to be the one to inform you, but like chick-lit, romantic comedy is dead. I kid. Sort of.   I've had this conversation off and on with other writers for a while, but we all agree humor is not welcomed in some circles. And it's a scientific fact (ok it's a Melissa Blue fact) that once you have to explain a joke, it's just not funny anymore. The same could be said once you slap on chick-lit or romantic comedy onto a book. Folks go into the book expecting the funniest, I-almost-peed-in-my-pants hilarity. When all they get are a few chuckles here and there the book has failed on that perceived promise.

I'm not going to lie to you. It's a conundrum. What's a humorous author to do? You won't want folks opening your book expecting every moment to be serious when you have like 323 dick jokes, thinly veiled ones, placed throughout a 40k story. At the same time, the pressure of 323 loud laughs has to happen. What if there's only 320 chuckles? You have failed.

I've made a study of this. In order for a joke to work the writer has to know their audience. On some basic level all of them have to have seen/experienced the same things. That's not even taking in the probability the person holds your same sense of humor. Because by proxy you have to make a joke that everyone would laugh at.

You can't tell because you're reading this blog in real time but I've sat here staring off into space for five minutes trying to think of an example. So...

Hero.

Heroine.

They are both partially naked in the pool. She jumps in and tells him to come in to play. And by play she means something else entirely.

The water is cold.

The hero jumps in.

* insert joke of a man being in cold water *

Yeah. Ten more minutes of staring into space and I've got nothing but a comparison of thumbs and small peens. I can't take the pressure of being funny. So let's just say I write light and fluffy romances. If they make you laugh that's awesome. As far as I'm concerned romantic comedies and chick-lit is dead to me. And please for the love of cold water and * insert joke about a man being in cold water * don't call me humorous.

Who are some of your favorite chick-lit authors? Some of your favorite rom-com authors?

* Sophie Kinsella is one of mine.

* * *

Lucy:  Here are the blurb and an excerpt -- BRB, adding this to my to-read pile, as I generally enjoy both dens and sinning.

When the Beaudelaire Hotel turns into a Den of Sin for the New Year's weekend, any and every fantasy can become a reality...

Seraphina Gibson orchestrates fantasies, but this year she'll create one of her own. It's against the rules for an employee to participate in the weekend-long sex-capade but she's willing to risk it for Luke Moreland. The man's a mystery, but in a sea of CEOs and Fortune 500 billionaires, he stands out. His past and connection to her boss is clouded in intrigue, but she knows what he wants, and she plans to star in one of his voyeuristic trysts.

Born with a silver spoon Luke Moreland is used to getting everything he desires. Being next in line of his family's winery leaves him very little time to take advantage of his riches. For a weekend, out of every year, he gets to feel the thrill of the chase. Not even in his sexual fantasies does he like to lose control, but then Seraphina walks into his playroom. He doesn't know the truth of her past, but he knows the risk she's taken to be with him. That doesn't matter. He's going to spend the next two days with her in his bed and keep her secret.

When reality crashes into their fantasy, will they survive?

* * *

“Call me Luke. I insist.”

She gripped the files to her chest. Not that he could see anything but a hint of her femininity. She wore pants suits and not even a button was left open to tease him with a view of her dark-olive skin. When alone, at the end of the day, would she take the pins out of her hair and free the ebony strands? It killed him to be this close to her and yet so far from touching, seeing the woman underneath the professionalism.

“Was there something you forgot to ask me during your interrogation?” she asked.

“Yes.”

She pursed her lips, but the corners of her mouth turned up. “I think Mr. Beaudelaire would like to know you hold his staff hostage.”

Henri would be displeased that he'd shamelessly flirted with any of his staff. Doing more than flirting? Now that would cause trouble their friendship didn't need. They used to be close as brothers. It had taken the last four years to be more than casual associates.

With that in mind, he considered Seraphina and just how far he could take this. “Have dinner with me. One that isn't a ruse for work.”

“No.”

He hadn't expected her to say yes, yet, but the quick refusal without any trace of doubt in her tone confused the hell out of him. She'd enjoyed herself. He could pick up on the slightest discomfort or sign that someone really didn't like him. He'd honed that skill in college when his world fell apart. He used the skill in all his business dealings.

Henri had his rules, but Luke had suspected Seraphina didn't let anyone in. “Are you seeing someone?”

“No.”

“Shitty childhood?”

“No,” but she said it with a laugh. “Back up.”

He took two steps and crossed his arms. She had room to leave now, but she only pressed her shoulders against the oak door. Usually he let her be, but this year there was something different about her. He didn't care what it was. He welcomed it.

“Then tell me why,” he said.

“You're a customer. It's against the rules.”

The answer sounded recited. “And if I wasn't?”

* * *

Buy Links:

Amazon

Barnes and Noble

Kobo

Are

Smashwords

Author Bio:

Mel Blue is the risque pen name for Melissa Blue. Her writing career started on a typewriter one month after her son was born. This would have been an idyllic situation for a writer if it had been 1985, not 2004. She penned that first contemporary romance, upgraded to a computer and hasn't looked back since.

Outside of writing, Blue works as a mail clerk for the federal government, has a paralegal certificate (that she has more use for as a dust pan) and is a mother of two rambunctious children. She lives in California where the wine is good and, despite popular belief, is not always sunny.

You can find her camped out on Facebook or Twitter. Check out her website to sign up for her newsletter and get updates on new releases.

My website

My facebook

How to Write a Romance Novel

So you want to write a romance novel!

It's gonna be sexy and fun and amazing!

And it's gonna sell a billion copies!

So you get out that laptop and let your imagination run wild:

The first chapter is so amazing you're pretty sure you're the sexy JK Rowling.  JK Sexing.

But then you figure out that writing sexy scenes is hard.  Even when you come up with great puns like "hard."

And for fuck's sake, do all the plot lines need to go somewhere?  Even that stupid one you started in chapter seven?

WHY IS THE HERO BEING A DICK?  THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!

Not even his amazing butt can make up for it.

Shit, did I give the heroine four hands in this sex scene?

JUST BE DONE ALREADY.  NO MORE HUMPING, THEY'RE GONNA GET DEHYDRATED.

I'll give that heroine a song about her.  Heroines love songs about them!

Make sure the hero learns to love his softer side...

And throw a happy ending on that shit!

And after only eleventy billion hours of work, you, too can be a romance novelist.

Now you just have to sell it.

Tips for NaNoWriMo From a Gen-u-ine Author

• Every moment you spend crying is another moment you don't have to write.


• Great ideas often come when you aren't concentrating on them, like on December 1st.


• Never use adverbs, for they are often unnecessary.  Adjectives muck up the action.  And nouns -- WTF are those for?  Only use verbs and the word "Kardashian."


• Keep up a tally of your daily writing progress.  How else can you know how utterly fucked you are?


• Name all your characters after modern-day toddlers.  Jaydyn and Nevaeh and Mackenzee are timeless monikers that just scream "classic."


• Zombies are over.  Never write vampires.  Werewolves are tired, and you always have to keep track of where their clothes go.  Talking Diet Cokes are the new zombies.


• Drink.


• Remember, if you try, you've already succeeded!  FYI, don't go look up the definition of success after you tell yourself this.

Cover reveal -- THE DIMPLE STRIKES BACK!

More madness from Samantha Lytton when THE DIMPLE STRIKES BACK drops for wide release on December 20, 2013.  Just in time to help avoid horrible Christmas relatives!

Here's a blurb -- more to come, bloggy friends~

Samantha Lytton, foiler of international art theft conspiracies and roller-skate enthusiast, is back!  What has she been up to in the year since the events of THE DIMPLE OF DOOM forcibly removed her from her crappy day job and introduced her to the be-dimpled burglar of her dreams?  No big whoop — just being a movie star.

Samantha’s career has taken off like whoa, and she’s just arrived in London to star in the film What Could Go Wrong?, a heist caper about a group of down-on-their-luck losers who rob the British Museum.  Sam, would-be Picasso thief and lover boy, joins her in the UK to rev up her engine in the bad boy way only he can.  Life is full of sexy good times, money, and prestige galore!  What could go wrong?

Ha ha — everything.

After a kidnapping attempt in London (survive two, get one free!), Sam nobly dumps Samantha for her own good, the jerk.  The Ghost of Criminals Past haunts him like week-old seafood.  No matter, for Samantha is a successful woman of the world now and she jumps back into actress-mode with her sexy co-star Daniel Zhang.  Hot movie star = best rebound ever.  She barely even thinks about what’s-his-name — until his evil ex-girlfriend shows up and gives Samantha an ultimatum she just can’t refuse:  steal a priceless artifact from the museum or die.

Is Sam in cahoots with the evil one?  Can Samantha really rob a museum and film a movie at the same time?  Is it legal to punch one’s own irritating mother?  And why isn’t a lady allowed to marry both a gorgeous Oscar-winner and an equally alluring thief at the same time?  Find out all this and more in THE DIMPLE STRIKES BACK, book two in the Samantha Lytton series!

If you can’t beat them, join them (… and then beat them).

Guest Post: Confessions of A Romance Author:Arguing With My Imagination

My sexy blog buddies, please welcome Melissa Blue, an absolutely delightful writer friend of mine.  She's here to confess that she talks to herself like a weirdo.  That's okay -- every writer does it.  Hey, at least she's chatting up a sexy dude!

PS:  Totally buy her book, The One I Want.  Yummy sample and links below.

Take it away, Melissa...

* * *

Micah Stamps, the hero in my latest release, is an alpha male. I love alpha males. They are strong, determined, natural leaders and as solid as they come. I hate writing them for all the same reasons, because at a certain point in the book (usually the third page) they get an idea of how things are going to be. One of the downsides of a being a natural leader includes making decisions that won't be popular. One of the downsides of writing a natural leader is having to write one of those unpopular decisions.

Around chapter two (he behaved for only a while) Micah decided he doesn't want his best friend/potential lover to spend the rest of her life living pay check to pay check. She has a number of qualities that would make her an excellent entrepreneur. So, he goes about this in a way that only an alpha male can—stubbornly.

Thus ensues this conversation:

Micah: Tell me I'm wrong.

Me: You're right, but you're going to go about it in the wrong way. Everyone with an XY chromosome will want to gut you.

Micah: But, I'm right.

Me: See, ok, but you're the hero. They're supposed to want to roll around in bed with you too.

Micah: Write me sexy then.

Me: Already done, but douche-nozzle will negate that.

Micah: Douche-nozzle?

Me: * blank stare *

Micah: * sighs * I love her. Show that and all will be forgiven.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Micah: * glares *

Me: You can glare all you want to. I'm just saying, who does that? A jackass that's who.

Micah: And that just circles us back to I'm right. I can live with being a jackass.

Me: You know what? I'm arguing with my imagination. I'm not going to write that. Be stubborn all you want, but I'm a writer. I know stubborn.

Micah: * stops talking to me for weeks *

Me: Ok. Ok. I have a deadline. Otherwise I'd have shuffled you off to where manuscripts die. Be all alpha. Farrah agrees with me so good luck with that!

Micah: So, you had to bring Farrah into this?

Me: Yup.

Micah: Throw your best at me and we'll see who gives first. 

And thus is why I hate writing alphas, because he was right. Thankfully, Farrah makes him pay and dearly. Yet, at the end of the day, I can't help but come to the conclusion that I argued with my own imagination and lost.

Bio:

Melissa Blue’s writing career started on a typewriter one month after her son was born. This would have been an idyllic situation for a writer if it had been 1985, not 2004. Eventually she upgraded to a computer. She’s still typing away on the same computer, making imaginary people fall in love. 

Where to find me online or places to sign up for my newsletter to get the latest news:

http://melthegreatest.blogspot.com

http://www.themelissablue.com

Blurb:

THE ONE I WANT

By Melissa Blue

When Farrah Kane comes home from New York she doesn't plan to fall into bed with Micah Stamps. He's demanding, stubborn, her boss and...her best friend. Except she makes the mistake of agreeing to be his roommate as well as his co-worker for the next three months. It's not long before their days are filled with work and their nights filled with passion. The question is whether their friendship will survive the heat and his stubborn ways. She wants to take her time getting settled into home and their new relationship. He seems to have other plans in mind...

There's no getting around the fact that Micah's best friend makes his blood run hot. Their platonic relationship could die a slow death as far as he's concerned. The year she spent in New York made him realize two things: He missed his best friend more than he should have and he never wanted to live without her again. Now that she is in his grasp—in his home—for three months, there's no sense in waiting to take the next step. Micah only has to convince his impulsive friend to settle down with him.

Their work and home life brings out all the differences between them and drags them to the forefront. Their hearts get in the way of their their well-laid plans. Now, they have to figure out if it's possible to still be friends now that they've become lovers.

Buy Links:

Amazon

Smashwords

ARe

Barnes and Noble

Kobo

Excerpt:
  

THE ONE I WANT

By Melissa Blue 

She gasped. “What are you doing?”

“Something I should have done long ago.” Micah let her get used to the feel of his fingers twirling circles along her calf while he let himself get used to touching her.

Not in a friendly way, but in the way a man caressed a woman who made him go hot. Farrah didn't speak, but her breath panted out and the wonderful sound of it blocked out the voices on the TV.

He now knew how soft and warm she felt. It should have been enough. His face should have heated with embarrassment, an apology should have spilled from his lips, but Micah wanted to be the one to take her places.

So he slid his palm up to one of the thighs that had been tempting him since she'd came home. He stopped, hesitated at the thought of S&M and taking her places. The next move took no courage on his part because, at this point, the safe thing to say was he'd lost it. Completely and without remorse.

Micah applied pressure to the back of her knee. The dirty and underhanded action buckled her knee and sent her falling into his lap. She landed with a surprised yelp, and a smile tugged at his lips. Farrah was where he wanted her to be, eye to eye and lip to lip. Since he was well on his way to ruining a long-standing friendship, he decided to go for broke.

“What are you doing?” she asked again.

“I'm going to kiss you.” Actively severing their platonic friendship didn't change the fact he'd always tell her the truth if she asked him.

She narrowed her eyes, sniffed at him. “Are you drunk?”

Confused, he frowned. “No. Why?”

“Oh.”

She hadn't jumped up, slapped him, or done a number of things he'd expected. Intent, he took in her face. There wasn't surprise or shock, just curiosity in her knitted brows. Micah wasn't going to break this moment with a question. He'd ask later about her reaction. Instead, he ran his thumb over her chin, lifted up the delicate curve of her jaw. Worries and fears flashed behind her gaze. Before she could voice them, Micah placed his lips against hers.