I write romance. I hope that some day, some super smart person will publish my awesome romance, because it is awesome.
But there are days when I feel like a fraud, a sham, a sham-un-wow! Because while the husband and I love each other an epic amount, and I truly believe we are soul mates in manner of Han Solo and Princess Leia...
sometimes I punch him in the face.
It happens in the middle of the night, and I think it may be caused somehow by zombies. It's not my fault, no matter what Ricky says. Here's what happens.
* Indicates me guessing the events, since I am asleep *
Lucy: Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Ricky: *Rolls over. Scooches toward Lucy. Touches her lightly on the arm in a loving manner.*
Lucy: "Hgggnthhthg."
Ricky: *Sighs handsomely. Puts head on Lucy's shoulder. Whispers: "You're the most beautiful woman who lives, and who ever lived, and I'm including supermodels."*
Lucy: "GgGGGGGGrrrrrrr!"
Ricky: *Kisses Lucy's cheek.*
Lucy: LUCYSMASH!!!! FLAIL! KICK! PUNCH! OMG SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME!!! PUNCH AGAIN AND THE FLAIL FLAIL FLAIL!!
Ricky: "Aaaaaaaaahhhh!"
Ricky flees to the edge of the bed, crying in horror and rocking and moaning "Why? Why? Why?"
The next morning, Lucy awakes refreshed! She tosses her raven locks and turns to greet her love, her husband, her little cuddle muffin!
Lucy: I love you, cuddle muffin!
Ricky: Cuddle muffin your face, stupid mean nasty... (random muttering). I hate you.
Lucy: What? How can you say these things, my darling one?
Ricky: You punched me in the face!
Lucy: That doesn't sound like me. Was it zombies?
Ricky: NO IT WASN'T FUCKING ZOMBIES! GRRRrrrrr.
Lucy: It must have been zombies. Kiss me!
Ricky: [Unprintable.]
About the 837582865th time this happened, I began to believe his version of events, despite its lack of zombie action. I punch him in the face when he tries to love on me in the middle of the night. I don't know why. You'd think he would stop trying, but every once in a while my fabulocity gets the better of him (naturally) and he tries again, only to be kicked in the elbow and/or thyroid.
I would like to put this in a romance novel, but I don't think an editor would let me.
So what have we learned today?
Punching is the opposite of romance. Don't punch!
I've been guilty of that too (elbowing and punching). Must be some kind of latent feminism that only comes out at night.
ReplyDeleteYou have made me to laugh out loud for the first time in nearly a month. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDo his eyes change color when all this is going on?
ReplyDeleteOMG I'm cackling like the witch who ate Hansel and Gretel!!!
ReplyDelete(Gretel tasted like chicken, FYI.)
LR, Ha! I love that I take out all my latent feminist rage on him in the night, even though he is responsible for very little of it :)
ReplyDeleteTahereh, what is the condition called? I don't think my name of "What? I Don't Do That!" is very scientific.