Naturally, I assume you already own four copies of THE DIMPLE OF DOOM, Greatest Book of Our Time (TM), but just in case you'd like to win a paperback copy, enter below! This contest is for the book sniffers, the page fondlers who don't enjoy electronic reading. Plus, fondling is fun. And I totally get it! I, for one, enjoy proudly reading my funny romance in public where all can enjoy.
The strange black wire you see in toilet is of no mind. It
is…flushing apparatus. Yes, flushing apparatus. But do not touch.
NEVER TOUCH FLUSHING APPARATUS.
Unusual bug on wall is totally normal. Is Russian decorate thing.
But is not actual bug like KGB. Did I say KGB? I mean American NSA.
See? Other countries are shit, too.
If you hear voice coming from under mattress, is merely high-tech
welcoming device to remind you of home. Please obey all orders it
suggest. You can pretend it is nagging wife! Ha. Ha. Ha. Is joke.
Is not really joke. Obey voice.
You may have heard “In Soviet Russia, TV watches you!” This is
absolutely untrue. TV does not work, no matter what clicking may be
coming from behind it. There is no click, and never has been a click.
Click does not mean watching. If someone tell you opposite, please to
report them to Olympic “Welcome” Committee. Yes, we mean to use
Some guests may experience special visits in dead of night from hotel
management. They are merely check on your satisfaction. Please show
proof of passport to express satisfaction. We may borrow passport so
that you may be satisfied for an unspecified length of time. You will
definitely enjoy. Definitely.