Movie Review: Your Name
58 minutes ago
Thou much ravish'd bride of messitude,
Thou birthplace of hilarity and mania,
Cheez-It receptacle, who canst thus inspire
A silly tale more stupid than our rhyme:
What red-fring'd lady haunts about thy space
A layabout or dreamer, or one lost,
In Romance or the tales of Inanity?
What short lady is this? A maiden? Ha!
What mad stories? What struggle to create?
What puns and adverbs? What wild adjectives‽
O couch-ey shape! Squishy cushions! with blanket
To warm its mistress’ feet heatingly,
With laptop blinking ‘round the trodden word;
Thou, silent cursor, dost tease us out of thought
As doth “new document”: Hail, plot bunny!
When old age shall the giddy writer waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of living room
Of ours, a friend to woman, to whom thou say'st,
"You could stand to lose some weight,--that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
I, as a content creator, agree to never use knight/night in a cutesy way. It's not original, it's just lazy, like eating microwave popcorn for dinner -- the first time, it was novel, but over and over again it's sad. I also agree to never give a character the last name of Knight, because Knight Rider did that better than I ever could and every further use of Knight as a last name is obnoxious.
1. Lucy Woodhull
Pâté is passé. Unicorn - the new white meat.
Excellent source of sparkles!
Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.
Ricky: *Rolls over. Scooches toward Lucy. Touches her lightly on the arm in a loving manner.*
Ricky: *Sighs handsomely. Puts head on Lucy's shoulder. Whispers: "You're the most beautiful woman who lives, and who ever lived, and I'm including supermodels."*
Ricky: *Kisses Lucy's cheek.*
Lucy: LUCYSMASH!!!! FLAIL! KICK! PUNCH! OMG SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME!!! PUNCH AGAIN AND THE FLAIL FLAIL FLAIL!!
Lucy: I love you, cuddle muffin!
Ricky: Cuddle muffin your face, stupid mean nasty... (random muttering). I hate you.
Lucy: What? How can you say these things, my darling one?
Ricky: You punched me in the face!
Lucy: That doesn't sound like me. Was it zombies?
Ricky: NO IT WASN'T FUCKING ZOMBIES! GRRRrrrrr.
Lucy: It must have been zombies. Kiss me!
In days of old when men were... whatever...
Magnus Ericsson was a simple man.
She loved the smell of fresh-turned dirt after springtime plowing. He loved the feel of a soft woman under him in the bed furs... when engaged in another type of plowing.
The Sex Scholar
Decades before Kinsey, Stanford professor Clelia Mosher polled Victorian-era women on their bedroom behavior—then kept the startling results under wraps.
By Kara Platoni
The Mosher Survey recorded not only women's sexual habits and appetites, but also their thinking about spousal relationships, children and contraception. Perhaps, it hinted, Victorian women weren't so Victorian after all.
Indeed, many of the surveyed women were decidedly unshrinking. One, born in 1844, called sex "a normal desire" and observed that "a rational use of it tends to keep people healthier." Offered another, born in 1862, "The highest devotion is based upon it, a very beautiful thing, and I am glad nature gave it to us."
In the early/mid 1990s, when I was going to all the conferences and attending the workshops and getting The Rules beat into me by my critique group and chapter mates (who didn't know any more than I did), the Shiny New Rules just coming on the scene were 1) getting rid of all "be" verbs (i.e. "was, were" ALWAYS equals passive voice) and 2) ceasing to head hop ("What's head-hopping?" "Dunno. There's a workshop on it next conference, though.") and 3) getting rid of all -ly and -ing words (regardless of if they were necessary and thus led to needlessly tortuous writing to avoid them).
All of us in my critique group and in my RWA chapter all struggled to change our wild, wicked "be"ing and headhopping and "-ly"ing and "-ing"ing ways. Unfortunately, the basic misunderstanding of the "be" verb ALWAYS equalling passive voice stuck, propagated, and now seems to be written in stone. Same with head-hopping, adverbs, and gerunds. Comes from amateurs teaching amateurs what none of them really know.
It was never about the story. It was always about the hook and the proper amount of tension (GMC before it was coined) and killing passive voice and head-hopping and what's HOT right now!!! I'll tell you what. I've never read a batch of more boring books in my life but they were perfect.
And...here we are 20 years later and nuthin's changed.
Whatever my personal feelings about the way Nora or Dan Brown or Stephenie Meyer write, for them, it's about the story. And the readers know that and respond to it because that's all the readers care about.
Readers are junkies and all they want is the next fix of their crack. They may even know it's BAD for them, but by golly, they want it and they'll do what they have to to get it. My goal is to be the drug dealer.
Whereas romance writers write about, well, romance; and
Whereas much of the time there is a great deal of virginity-taking in romance novels (of course, not the mens', only the ladies'); and
Whereas so-called ladies have a particular body part which is mysterious and terrifying (no, not that one): Now, therefore, be it
Resolved, that Romance Writers --
(1) recognize what the lady part known as the "hymen" is
(2) understand how it does and does not work; and
(3) appreciate all lady bits, because lady bits are awesome.