Sunday, November 27, 2011
See with your very own eyes the wonders of fashion in the year 2000! At least according to one 1930s newsreel.
Apparently, I was unfashionable when I married in 2001, as my wedding dress was not made of glass. I guess instead of stepping on a glass after the ceremony, one could just step on the unfortunate bride.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
On Monday of this week I got laid off from my day job, so I'm looking forward to drowning my sorrows in turkey gravy and pumpkin pie. But not together. That's gross.
BUT! I have so much to be thankful for that I'm not gonna let some &^&%$#@-ey corporate persons ruin my happy day.
REASONS TO GIVE THANKS:
- My beautiful husband, who came home on my firing day and said, "Look on the bright side. In a month you never have to look at those jackwads again!" The truth will set me free.
- My wonderful family, who immediately offered to perform evil acts upon my fire-ers. Which I turned down. Ahem. I did!
- My cat, who threw up in honor of my emo feelings.
- The roof over my head, the food on my table.
- The glorious California weather.
- My blankie, who is always there for me.
I pray you have many, many reasons to give thanks today and every day. God (and the employment fairy) bless us, every one.
PS: You know, if you're reading this thinking "Oh, no! Lucy lost her job!" feel free to buy a copy of my book RAGNAR AND JULIET. Read the opening chapter first (see links at the top of the page) to make sure you'll like it before you spend your cashola. XO
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Pardoned Turkey Says, "Thanks for Forcing Me to Live Alone in a Worthless World Without My Entire Family, Assholes."
Washington D.C. / November 23, 2011 — In a press conference today, President Obama’s pardoned turkey gave the straight gobble about his new life as a free bird.
“Well, I guess it’ll nice to not be on the dinner table tomorrow,” said Liberty the Turkey. “I need that day to go to the memorials for my wife, Freedom, and my cousins, America, Constitution, and Pursuit of Happiness.” Liberty’s parents were gutted last Christmas at the family home of a politician. “I won’t say who,” said Liberty, “but he knows who he is *cough*RickPerry*cough*.”
Liberty shuffled listlessly on his spindly legs as he pondered the fate of his entire family, ruthlessly slaughtered so that humans could eat too much and burp on the couch in front of football. “Of course,” he added in sad turkey tones, “I’m not the first to suffer losses. Let’s ask our Native American friends how they feel about this holiday. Bueller? Bueller?”
Several reporters remarked that this press conference was a real fucking bummer, but that they would forget it all tomorrow when they dug into a nice pumpkin pie. Also noted with surprise was Liberty’s ability to flip the bird, even without possessing fingers.