Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Pardoned Turkey Says, "Thanks for Forcing Me to Live Alone in a Worthless World Without My Entire Family, Assholes."

Washington D.C. / November 23, 2011 — In a press conference today, President Obama’s pardoned turkey gave the straight gobble about his new life as a free bird.

“Well, I guess it’ll nice to not be on the dinner table tomorrow,” said Liberty the Turkey. “I need that day to go to the memorials for my wife, Freedom, and my cousins, America, Constitution, and Pursuit of Happiness.” Liberty’s parents were gutted last Christmas at the family home of a politician. “I won’t say who,” said Liberty, “but he knows who he is *cough*RickPerry*cough*.”

Liberty shuffled listlessly on his spindly legs as he pondered the fate of his entire family, ruthlessly slaughtered so that humans could eat too much and burp on the couch in front of football. “Of course,” he added in sad turkey tones, “I’m not the first to suffer losses. Let’s ask our Native American friends how they feel about this holiday. Bueller? Bueller?”

Several reporters remarked that this press conference was a real fucking bummer, but that they would forget it all tomorrow when they dug into a nice pumpkin pie. Also noted with surprise was Liberty’s ability to flip the bird, even without possessing fingers.

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