Thursday, February 26, 2015

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Walking Coffee Table Edition Featuring Barbara Meyers




Bloggie friends, please meet lovely author Barbara Meyers, who is much better at titles than she thinks she is!  Let us all applaud her answers to my stupid questions.

​1. Who would win in a war between cats and bears? 


I think cats would win. They’re sneaky and fast. They find good places to hide and they excel at surprise attacks. Plus, they can be annoying. I think they’d wear the bears down and the bears would just give up. 

2. Would you rather get a diagnosis of Benedict Cumberbatch or Engelbert Humperdinck?​ 

Engelbert Humperdinck. It sounds like something could actually be seriously wrong with one of your important body parts. “Apparently, Ms. Meyers, you have an Engelbert on your Humperdinck.” Plus I had a bit of crush on E.H. in my youth. 

3. If you could have any fantasy creature for a pet, what would it be and why? 

It would be a cross between a coffee table and a dog but wouldn’t require walking. It could retrieve things for me, like my glasses, the remote, a cold beverage, a snack, place them on its coffee table back and bring them to me so I wouldn’t have to get up. 

4. Are aliens among us? 

Have you met some of the frightening beings masquerading as people who are out there in the everyday world? Of course there are aliens. 

4A. Since there are aliens among us, what would you name a romance about them? 

I SUCK at titles. Shifty Shades of Space

[Editorial note. I like it. Maybe Shifty Shades of Shpace? Could have a hero with an adorable speech impediment.]

5. Speaking of horrible aliens, how would you help Justin Bieber off the planet? 

He’s already off his rocker (rocket?), isn’t he? I’m not sure he needs any help. 

6. If you were a superheroine or -hero, what would your special power be?

I’d like stealth capabilities, like a cloaking device that makes me invisible and undetectable. Since I sometimes feel like I’m invisible anyway, it’d be interesting to really be invisible. Imagine where you could go and what you could find out. 

* * *


NOBODY'S FOOL by Barbara Meyers

She’s home to make amends. He’s out to get a little revenge. But the heart he breaks could be his own. 

The Jolie Kramer who left Oak Ridge isn’t the same one who’s home for her ten-year high school reunion. The old Jolie hid her secrets and insecurities behind her popular-girl image. 

The new Jolie is older, wiser, and ready to make amends for the bridges she burned. Especially the one between her and Court Harrison, her biggest supporter since childhood. 

Court hates to admit he’s still hung up on Jolie, and he’s vowed to finally put the past way, way behind him. She wants to kiss and make up? He’ll give her a taste of her own medicine. Make her fall for him—only this time, he’ll be the one walking away. 

But his plan works a little too well, and by the time he realizes their feelings are real, it’s too late. She’s onto him, and he’s lost the only woman he’ll ever want. Unless she falls for plan B, which contains two things she can’t resist: a career challenge, and a chance to get a little revenge of her own.

Purchase Nobody's Fool on Amazon.

Visit at www.barbarameyers.com.  Buy links to all her books are on her web site.  Follow her infrequent posts on Twitter @barbmeyers and @ajtillock.  Read her blog at http://barbmeyers.wordpress.com/blog/.  Facebook Author Page: https://www.facebook.com/BarbaraMeyersAuthorPage
 

Monday, February 23, 2015

Leslie Knope Explains What It's Like to Submit Your Manuscript to Agents

So you've decided to ruin your life by being a writer.  You work for months--writing, editing, inhaling salty snacks, crying in your bathtub.  Normal writer stuff.


And then you lose your mind and want to submit that manuscript to agents, a fabulous torture of waiting and self-immolation that feels suspiciously like hemorrhoids.

You submit your hard work for the miniscule chance that the Great Sky Hand might point to your manuscript while angels sing "I Believe I Can Fly" and BOOM! you have an agent. 


More often the experience is like hitting yourself in the face with a hammer while fifty professionals politely tell you you're doing it wrong.


Why the ever-loving %^$#@ do we do this to ourselves?

We do it because in even the attempt, we've won.

I truly believe any time a person pursues their dreams, it's a great personal win.  We can work hard, but we can't always control the outcome of our artistic or professional pursuits.  It takes a village to publish a book, and a lot of "yes"es have to happen along the way.  Personally, I had a literary agent at one time who put a humor book on submission.  Even getting the agent in the first place was a damn fabulous accomplishment!  But, even though we were told the book was funny, it didn't sell, and the agent wasn't interested in working with me further.  Womp womp.  Sucks, right?  It sucked great giant donkey balls.


No matter the outcome, I felt immensely proud of myself.  How many people don't work up the courage to pursue their dreams?  Or are sidelined by terrible circumstances?  Awful things have happened to me that have shoved aside my ability to write.  However, I've gotten back on that horse and, come what may, nobody can take that away from me.

Even if you never get that agent, that book deal, that pile of money to roll naked in...you have a book that you wrote with your blood, sweat, and barf.  You will have that forever!  And I'm so freaking proud of you!


Try to remember that as you are rejected by agents.  Because you will be, even if you go on to snag one.  I'm about to sub my superheroine book and yuuuuuup, I'm going to get that form rejection many times.

If all else fails, you can do what Leslie did.



The moral of the story is...keep writing.  And eat feminist barbeque.



Thursday, February 19, 2015

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
The Wienerschnitzel Cure Edition Featuring Suz deMello


Welcome back to author Suz deMello, who has (voluntarily!) jumped into my chum waters to answer more moronic questions and share her latest book.  Round of applause, blog friends!

​1. Who would win in a war between cats and bears? 

Cats. Stealth and cunning beat brute force in this stand-off! 

2. Would you rather get a diagnosis of Benedict Cumberbatch or Engelbert Humperdinck?​ 

HA HA HA HA HA. They both do sound like dread diseases, don't they? I think that Cumberbatch sounds fairly ominous, so let's go with Humperdinck--that sounds curable by a dose of Baroque music and a weinershnitzel dinner. 

3. If you could have any fantasy creature for a pet, what would it be and why? 

A dragon seems scary though intriguing. The clean-up involved with a unicorn is, to say the least, unappealing. A centaur--ummm, best of both worlds if a male. But I'll go with Dumbledore's choice--a phoenix. I love birds, though I've never owned one as a pet. 

4. Are aliens among us? 

I can't imagine why. I hope that Earth is not the galactic garden spot or vacation destination. That would not speak well for the Milky Way. 

4A. Since there are aliens among us, what would you name a romance about them?

I think they're on other planets, but if one does visit...The Alien Within. Alien Explores my Area 51. The Alien Next Door. Sex, Lies and Aliens

5. Speaking of horrible aliens, how would you help Justin Bieber off the planet? 

A swift kick is the arse? 

6. If you were a superheroine or -hero, what would your special power be? 

Promotions (LOL). I'd love to fly. 



PERILOUS PLAY by Suz deMello
 
One woman’s journey into the contemporary kink underworld, Perilous Play is Suz deMello’s explosive personal account of her experiences with BDSM. Engaging and honest, this groundbreaking memoir will grab you and never let you go. 

Available on Smashwords and Amazon.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Children of Neptune Edition Featuring Karenna Colcroft


Friends, I think you're going to dig author Karenna Colcroft as much as I do.  Read on fer her delightful answers to my asinine questions!



1. Who would win in a war between cats and bears? 

Cats, no question. They're far sneakier than bears. 

2. Would you rather get a diagnosis of Benedict Cumberbatch or Engelbert Humperdinck?​ 

Benedict Cumberbatch. The hair rocks. 

3. If you could have any fantasy creature for a pet, what would it be and why? 

Probably a dragon, but only if it was one that could change size. I'd want a full-size dragon, but I live in a small apartment, so the dragon would have to shrink to fit. (And to hide from my landlord.) 

4. Are aliens among us? 

I've been accused of being an alien myself, and my older kid claims to be from Neptune, so I would have to say yes. 

4A. Since there are aliens among us, what would you name a romance about them? 

The Stars in Your Eyes. 

5. Speaking of horrible aliens, how would you help Justin Bieber off the planet? 

I'd rather not help Justin Bieber with anything. Can't we just have the aliens vaporize him or something? 

[Note from the Management: When I am the Intergalactic Queen of All--yes, yes we will have him vaporized. That's a campaign promise.]

6. If you were a superheroine or -hero, what would your special power be? 

My special power would absolutely have to be replicating myself so I have additional Karennas to take care of all the writing, promoting, housework, kids, etc.


 

STEPPING STONE NOT DOORMAT by Karenna Colcroft

Fifteen years ago in Los Angeles, a man named Charlie lost everything in his life to drug and burglary charges. Everything including his lover Navon, who was unable to accept Charlie’s actions. 

Nine years ago, after building a drag career that included TV appearances and international travel, Charlie left his entire life behind to escape his abusive boyfriend Mason, and started anew in Boston as club queen Solara Flare. Going by stage name and female pronouns, Solara has taken every step possible to prevent Mason–or anyone else from her former life–from finding her. 

Now, Navon has tracked Solara down in the wake of Mason’s death to return something Mason had kept, and to apologize for abandoning her after her arrest. Fifteen years hasn’t dulled their sexual attraction to each other, but the memories brought up by Navon’s appearance are almost more than Solara can stand. And no matter how much she wants to give Navon the second chance he asks for, Solara doesn’t know whether she can move beyond the past.

Available here:  LooseID, Amazon

Monday, February 9, 2015

I'm Bringing You a Fabio-lous Valentine's Day!


Once I thought of the Fabio-lous pun, my hand slipped. Hey, I’m a romance author—Fabio is our god! Send a Fabio valentine to your special pirate/Viking/duke/throbbing hero today.






Thursday, February 5, 2015

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Vampires>Politicians Edition Featuring G. D. Ogan




It's a new year, and I'm back with new authors and new STUPID QUESTIONS!  So sit back, relax, and embrace the nonsense, friends.  Welcome to author G. D. Ogan, who has graciously agreed to play along!

​1. Who would win in a war between cats and bears?  

Well, if we are talking about the small domesticated cats (Kitties) then there is no contest; however, if we are talking about African Lions and Asian Tigers then it might be a toss-up. Even then, it depends on which type of bear: Full Grown Black Bear vs. Adult Lion or Tiger? I'd give it to the cat! Brown or Kodiak Bear vs. Lion or Tiger? It would be a toss-up. If a Polar Bear vs. any cat and the Polar Bear has my bet.

2. Would you rather get a diagnosis of Benedict Cumberbatch or Engelbert Humperdinck?​ 
 
This is actually a tough call! Cumberbatch is a rather young actor with a number of stunning lady friends he's dated or at the least been seen on the Red Carpet with. Engelbert, on the other hand is closer to my age (but still younger) who as a singer of love songs has done duets with just about everyone and was good friends with Elvis Presley (now you're talking nearer my age, in fact Elvis was about 10 years older than I). Anyone who was friend with Elvis has to get my vote, so I'm down with a case of Humperdinck (crazy name and all)!
3. If you could have any fantasy creature for a pet, what would it be and why? 
 
Well duh, I write about vampires...so, if you want to call vampires "fantasy creatures" and were it possible to have one or more as pets, then I'd definitely be down with that! Well, if you read any one (or hopefully more) of my "Immortal Relations" series, you will quickly understand...I love GOOD vampires. Mine protect innocent humans from evil (be it the blood-crazed type of vampire, human criminals or evil politicians [are any not evil?]).

4. Are aliens among us? 
 
If we are speaking of the kind from Outer-Space/Another-Dimension/or Time-Traveler, then I would ask, why would they want to be anywhere near us?! Any of these would probably have to be from an advanced civilization - so if they are "civilized" why would they stick-around with a bunch of very unpredictable, and all too often, uncivilized humans?
4A. Since there are aliens among us, what would you name a romance about them? 
 
"A Star-Goddess Falls for an Earthman" Having the curse of testosterone myself, I can attest to its ability to cloud (if not totally destroy) intellect, so the title might as well be slightly modified and applied to human females as well. "A Smart Lady has an Irrational Moment".
 
[EDITORIAL NOTE: I like your style, and I'm sorry about your testosterone affliction. Better luck in the your next incarnation!]
5. Speaking of horrible aliens, how would you help Justin Bieber off the planet? 
 
Now that he has grown (or morphed) into a 20's something...he is evidently getting some up-close & personal time with some very beautiful young ladies. Perhaps that is why he came down from Canada (or whatever star-system he is really from). When will he leave? I guess we would have to ask "Agent J" from the M.I.B. (Men in Black) Agency when Bieber's Visa will expire!
6. If you were a superheroine or -hero, what would your special power be?  

Well duh...remember...I write vampire stories? IMMORTALITY...of course! I'm not talking about just living forever...it would require invulnerability to insure my immortality (similar to, if not being in-fact a vampire). Armed with that, I would be doing exactly what my character Gary Logan does in my "Immortal Relations" series. Surely you can see his name and my own are so very close...he is, in fact, ME. The stories in the novels are what I would do given the opportunity. I would definitely be hated by all the evil politicians who try to rule over all of us. Emoji



* * *



IMMORTAL RELATIONS: COMING OUT by G. D. Ogan

This third in the series by G. D. Ogan continues to rock the foundation upon which typical vampire novels are based. Such stories, where vampires safeguard humans are rare indeed. These vampires do their utmost to save humans and animals from not only evil vampires but evil humans.

Ogan's insights into the powers of the immortal vampires, along with fresh takes on the complex inner workings of their existence provide an intriguing experience for readers. In this story a novice shape-shifter wolf meets a beautiful hybrid vampire. Good vampires set up a new coven in Southern Canada to monitor a regime intent on changing America into a dictatorship. Marxist thugs, not realizing who they are dealing with, still believe the group was partly responsible for the defeat of Communists intent on stealing oil, gold and mineral reserves from Russia, so Washington retaliates with violence. A great deal of effort is required by  the vampires to keep Canadian citizens safe. There is a vampire wedding with a handsome human; then dangers from outer-space suddenly appear to threaten the entire earth - can such threats be stopped?

An "Immortal Relations" reader said: "Being a bit of a vampire-phile, I find myself constantly searching for the next vampire series to reach out and grab, or, more appropriately, bit me. I believe I have found my holy grail of vampire novels..."

Not from the author:  While each of the novels in the "Immortal Relations" series will "stand alone," I recommend reading the second in the series, "Immortal Relations, Coming Out" before reading this third in the series. The second book has a short review of the major points of the first book as well as all the action of the second book which should make the third book more enjoyable. I often recommend the second book as a starting point for those for whom the "explicit togetherness" of the first book "Immortal Relations" might be disconcerting.  

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Shittiest Princess


I can't tell you how excited I am for the debut of my new series of un-fair-y tales for Persephone Magazine, THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS.

Meet Princess Poot, THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS--she's the star of my adult fairy tales for those of us who ain't exactly cartoon princesses.  Sure, her father made her wear a bag over her head growing up, and all the neighboring kingdoms' princes leave her horrible Yelp reviews, but plucky Princess Poot never gives up trying to make weird new friends and improving the lot of Kingdomville's women.  Stay tuned for a new story every week!

Poot teaches us that no matter what we look like, where we are in life, or how many times the villagers come after us with pitchforks, we can still live our best lives full of laughter and love.  This message of love is from me to all of you reading, especially the ladies, who're told our whole lives that we're too fat, too thin, too young, too old, too sexy, too plain, too ambitious, too lazy. 

Fuck that noise.

You're perfect exactly the way you are--just like Princess Poot.


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

It's Raining in LA, so Here's Burt Reynolds' Butt



Yes, this book is called Burt Reynolds Hotline: The Letters I Get…and Write!

It should go without saying, but I want this book immediately and also now.

h/t Happy Place

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Oscar Wilde is a Cheeky Bastard Edition
Featuring Destiny Moon

Happy hump day, Bloggie friends.  Today for your amusement I have erotic romance author Destiny Moon answering my fascinating questions.  She cracked me the hell up, so keep reading!  That's an order! 


1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

Tentacles. If writing erotic romance has taught me anything, it’s that the more gripping and groping a character is capable of, the better. Let's just say I'm a little jealous of our friends, the octopi. 

2. What Smurf would you be?

Sassy Smurf. I’d have a wardrobe closet like Smurfette, but with more variety. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

 If they enslave us, I hope at least they will have the decency to make it fun. That means no eating. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Develop a really great safe word. 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Witches, of course. I know a couple, so I got this one. 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Oscar Wilde. Because he’d like it. Actually, he’d love it. 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

Cake, hands down. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting is my favorite, but a close second is decadent chocolate cake. In all honesty, I'm not picky. Bring on the vanilla sheet cakes with lard icing! 

About Destiny Moon: Destiny Moon's quest to follow her heart led her to writing erotic romance. With a few titles already out and and few more on the way, she is slowly inching closer to her dream, which involves tapping away at a story while on a beach sipping margaritas. Her latest release is Worth The Wait, a follow up novel to All I Ever Wanted.


WORTH THE WAIT

Sassy and glamorous, Monique Mackenzie has everything a modern woman could want - great career, fabulous home, wardrobe, car and friends. Men throw themselves at her constantly, but after years of meaningless flings, the charm has worn off. The one man who truly ignites her passion is the only man she can't have - her boss, Jerome Fontaine. 

Mysterious Jerome drops clues that he sees her too, but he seems to have a secret life outside the office. He remains elusive until Monique accidentally stumbles upon his secrets and discovers the reasons for his stoic behavior. As the fiercely private Jerome begins to trust Monique with his secret life, Monique's world is turned upside down with questions about what she truly wants out of life. Jerome's presence makes her question everything from her ambitions to her erotic tastes and in falling for him, she must face her own demons. 

Just when she thinks she's got it all figured out, Monique finds herself challenged in ways she never imagined, but the one thing she knows for certain is that she has never loved anyone as much as she loves Jerome.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Dear Time Magazine:
I’m Tired of the Word “Feminist,” too.


Dear Time Magazine*,

Boy, “feminism.” What a pain in the ass, amIright? Fighting tooth and nail to be considered a person. Wanting equal pay. Struggling for everyone to be in charge of our own bodies. I’m fucking sick of it, too!

There is nobody in this world who wishes the idea of “feminism” could go the way of the dodo more than a feminist. Because that would mean that the world has achieved true equality, no matter one’s gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, cognitive and physical abilities, height, weight, or freaking Zodiac sign.

YOU think feminism is a pain in the ass? Try being paid less.  Try being blamed for your sexual assault. Try facing discrimination in public and private dealings. Try being threatened with death for speaking out. Ah, but that’s nothing, right? When a big, bad word makes you roll your eyes—that’s the real struggle. Just shut up and accept your role under the boot, you obnoxious bitches, geesh!

Time, you don’t fool us. The only reason to include “feminist” in the bad word list is as a big fuck you to everyone who’s not a drooling troglodyte desperate for the hand of time to spin back to the year 1400. Well, there weren’t magazines back then, so I guess I don’t need to open yours ever again. 

*That's a "do not link" link, so they won't get any hits off you.