Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
He Smurfed His Smurf Edition Featuring Ella Laurance


In the hot seat for my ridiculous quiz about Smurfs and whatnot is author Ella Laurance!




1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

I wouldn’t mind a brain capable of thinking up perfectly edited stories that I can upload to a computer from any place just by thought alone. Let’s be honest, most of the writing happens in your head anyway.

2. What Smurf would you be?

Story Smurf, what else? He smurfed his smurf and she was so smurfy about it that she slowly began to smurf his smurf too... See what I mean?

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Keep a few of us as pets for fun, and eat the rest.

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

That’s easy. With two sciency sons, it should be possible to develop a perfume so horrible the aliens will think I am the one and only earthly incarnation of the Goddess of Godly Stink.

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

Simply ignore them, it makes them sit down in a corner and softly complain. Keep it up for a while (yes, even when the moans and groans get louder and some might even try to lure you into a never ending philosophical debate about the Definition of Reality, because ghosts don’t like to be ignored) but after a week or so they will leave and try somewhere else.

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Since greatness all too often comes with a wide variety of ugly, nasty or generally unpleasant traits, I consider this too much work for one individual. So kindly assign one to me and I’ll do my bit for humanity.

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

As a Dutch person I can happily say: “Who cares? It’s all taart.”

* * *

Ella Laurence writes about independent women who know what they want from a man and who are unapologetic about their sexual fantasies.

Wanton Women at Work, the complete collection, can be found here. Ella's blog: http://ellalaurance.wordpress.com/




Thursday, September 4, 2014

Just Look at This Mansion for Cat Poop!

As found on PetSmart.com

Holy crap, pun intended, look at this thing my husband came home with last night.  It's a freaking shit mansion for our cat.

It's got a sunken poop room.  I don't have one of those!  My toilets just bolt to the floor like I'm some kind of schmoe.  And our bathrooms are rectangular--I never feel like I'm whizzing in a space ship.  I don't get to pretend I'm on the Enterprise about to pass Uhura a tampon like we're bathroom buddies.

I really hope princess kittypants appreciates her amazing new toilet.  I bet she won't.  I bet she expresses her gratitude the same way she always does.  By pooping on everything that's lovely.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Anal-Retentive Edition Featuring Jessi Gage



 

Up at bat for my silly questions today is romance author Jessi Gage, a lovely lady indeed and a great friend.  See, ain't she the cutest?


1.  If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?


If I could stop time, I would be golden. I would love an extra ten hours in every day. Just for me. I would use it to read. Yup. That would be awesome.


2.  What Smurf would you be?


I would be Anal Retentive Smurf.


3.  Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?


I’m hoping they’ll be like the Kindred in Evangeline Anderson’s sexy Sci-Fi series. I think they will want to make us all their unwilling brides, and they will spend an entire week courting us and chipping away at our resolve with tender caresses and thoughtful dirty-talk.


3A.  Follow up:  What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?


I will distinguish myself by being the willing one.


4.  What's the best way to foil a ghost?  A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.


Funny you should ask. This is actually the main conflict in my new release, Jade’s Spirit. A stripper on the run and a virginal lawn guy have to put their heads together to fight a ghost with a sexy agenda. It’s kind of a mashup of romance, inspy, and horror. You’ll have to read it to get my answer to this one *winks* But I’ll give a hint. Foiling a ghost might require you to get over any fear of commitment you might have…


5.  If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?


Does it have to be a real historical character? Because at the moment, I would love to smack the shit out of Black Jack John Randall in Outlander. But knowing that sadistic bastard, he would probably like it.


6.  Cake or pie?  And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​


I don’t like cake. *sticks tongue out like Mr. Yuck* I’ll eat it to be polite, but I much prefer pie. Cherry is my favorite. My mom’s apple pie is a close second. Chocolate crème pie is great for pregnancy cravings. Pecan and pumpkin are perfect for autumn. I could go on, but I suddenly find myself needing to run to the grocery store for ingredients.


Thanks so much for having me, Lucy! You always make me laugh!

[Editorial note:  Thanks, Jessi!  I like you, too--despite your pie penchant *Mr. Yuck face*.]


 



JADE'S SPIRIT blurb:


When exotic dancer Jade seeks refuge from an abusive boyfriend in her grandmother’s aging Victorian home, she finds she’s not the only houseguest. A dream-invading incubus has taken up residence, and it wants Jade’s soul. Fortunately, a flirtatious lawn-care provider has a trick or two up his sleeve for dealing with hauntings. And he has definite rebound-guy potential—if only he would stop inviting her to church. 

The virginity vow Emmett "the lawn guy" Herald took when he was seventeen has become legendary in Dover, Vermont. Ten years later, everyone is waiting to see if he’ll blow a decade of “waiting for marriage” now that he’s dating the new girl from the big city. Even Emmett thinks he has met his match in the vivacious Boston beauty. In fact, he’s starting to think virginity may be overrated.
A spark of attraction ignites between Jade and Emmett, and quickly grows into a roaring inferno. But with a demon fanning the flames, attraction has never been so perilous.





Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Seekrit Tentacle Edition Featuring Jody Wallace



I'm back with some all new answers to my moronic questions, and here to take the bait is one of my favorite funny Twitter buddies, Jody Wallace! She's an amazeballs author, so read on, my lovelies~

1.  If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

HEALING. If I have to do my healing via a seekrit tentacle, I completely understand, so long as it doesn't ruin the elegant drape of my T-shirts and yoga pants. 

2.  What Smurf would you be? 

Snarky the Smurf. My smurfy characteristic would be mouthing off at all the wrong times, like when we're trying to be quiet because Azrael is searching for us in a cave, and of course I just HAVE to comment that Azrael is a sad excuse for a cat if there ever was one. 

3.  Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

They'll just eradicate us and let the planet start over. Human meat is probably very impure, unhealthy and filled with toxins that would make the hardiest carnivorous alien gassy.  

3A.  Follow up:  What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Acid flatulence, huh? THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING HUMANS, YOU STUPID SPAWN OF A.... GAK!

Yeah, I suspect I'm a goner. They'll fart me down in no time. 

4.  What's the best way to foil a ghost?  A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

First you need to prepare a ghost trap. Traditionally this would involve a marijuana-addicted teenage layabout and his loveable, talking Great Dane as bait and some kind of large, suspended net hidden against the ceiling that will be triggered when the ghost reaches the center of the room. However, I don't, at current, know any marijuana-addicted teenage layabouts or talking Great Danes, so I'm thinking my best bet is to burn down the house that the ghost is haunting, much like one would do if one discovered brown recluse spiders residing in the walls.

5.  If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why? 

George Washington, because I want to see those wooden teeth fly out of his mouth and start viciously chomping after his enemies! Comedy gold.

6.  Cake or pie?  And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​​ 

Cake with no icing. Unless we're talking caramel pie with whipped cream, chocolate graham cracker crust, and mini chocolate morsels. Then I have a tough decision on my hands. Eat the cake? Or eat the caramel pie and be wrong? Best case scenario, I point out the window and yell, "LOOK, A GHOST!" and everyone looks and I quickly smush the cake and pie together and invent dessert nirvana, which also means I don't have to choose between them. 

* * *

Here's the blurb of Jody's latest, ANGELI:





He’s no angel…

Gregori’s last mission is to save Earth from the demons threatening to take control. He doesn’t care if he survives as long as he averts the impending apocalypse—until he meets Adelita, a human refugee, whose spirit and determination give him a renewed reason to fight. And live. He’s falling for her, despite the fact he’s told her nothing but lies and there can’t possibly be a future for them.

Adelita can hardly believe the archangel Gregori, sent to save mankind, has lost his faith and his edge. After he saves her from a demon attack, she vows to help him recover both by any means necessary. But can she keep her own faith when she learns the truth about who and what Gregori really is?



Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist of the Apocalypse
  
* * *

If you're an author who'd like to answer my stupid questions, click my contact link!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The 70K Blues


I've hit 70K words on my current work-in-progress, which should be a very happy time. The denouement is almost upon me! I know exactly what is happening, because most of it has already happened! Good times, RIGHT?!

Sigh. This is also the time in the manuscript when I think the whole thing is bunk and will never sell.

I have a lot of work to do upon the first edit. I have a disabled character--she's such a badass lady. I've been working with a doctor friend to get the details right, and I'm about to start a search for a consultant who might let me interview her to gain insight about her experiences. But what if I screw up the whole thing, and it's an offensive mess? Aaaahhhhh!

My heroine is infertile, and I've read romance readers bashing infertile heroines before. "Drama queen," "get over it," etc. Ugh. It's not just romance readers; the world is hell for a woman who doesn't fulfill her "womanly purpose" of having babies, as if we're little more than walking egg sacs. Have I explained the horrors of infertility well enough? Gently enough? Can I make an audience built largely of mothers understand the grief of a woman who tried, but failed, to enter their amazing club? Aaaahhhhh!

Is there an audience for this book? It's about lady superheroines. The alpha men are secondary to the amazing women. Is there a place for that kind of book? And a funny one? So many people mistake "funny" for just "silly" with no point. I always include themes of women leaning to rely on themselves, of women saving themselves in romance, and it's so important to me. Have I conveyed these themes well enough? Will anyone get it?  Aaaahhhhh!


It comforts me to know that all writers go through this angst.  (If you're a writer who's never felt this, I'd like to know what pills you're on, thanks.)

I know the only thing to do is to keep on, keep writing, keep perfecting, keep researching, keep my heart open so that I can spill compassion on the page.

But first I'll say, "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" and inhale a pizza.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

"Maybe your weird is my normal":
Nicki Minaj Appreciation Post


I'm not a person who is cool and hip with the youth music. As per that last sentence. But I am starting to really love Nicki Minaj as a smart, amazing, feminist, ovary-licious artist.

So here are some amazeballs Nicki Minaj quotes, followed by "Starships."  Starships are meant to fly!



When you're a girl, you have to be everything, You have to be dope at what you do, but you have to be super sweet, and you have to be sexy, and you have to be this and you have to be that and you have to be nice, and you have to - it's like, I can't be all of those things at once. I'm a human being.



My advice to women in general: Even if you're doing a nine-to-five job, treat yourself like a boss. Not arrogant, but be sure of what you want - and don't allow people to run anything for you without your knowledge.



Maybe your weird is my normal. Who's to say?



I don't agree that everyone should agree with everyone's lifestyle. I think that some people aren't going to agree, but I think that when you're mean and when you ridicule people it's a sign of your own insecurities.



As a little girl growing up in Southside Jamaica Queens, if anyone would've told me I'd have my own perfume one day, and be able to inspire young black girls everywhere, to go into Macy's or Nordstrom's and see their face staring back at them - I wouldn't believe them.



I don't mind being called a weirdo. There are a lot of people in hip-hop who are probably never going to get what I do. But, by just being myself, I end up touching a lot more people who might never have paid much attention to a female rapper.





Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Blue Balls Edition Featuring Robin Glasser






Hello, blog friends!  Let's give a warm welcome to author Robin Glasser who is here to answer my stupid questions!

1.  If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

I want to be able to transport myself to another place at my own pace...kind of like "Beam me up, Scottie!" but I control the speed. No more airport lines, shoe removal, hassles. Just get up and go whenever/wherever I want. Heavenly!

2.  What Smurf would you be?

Sexy Smurf ~ can make love anytime, anywhere with whomever I want! Besides, I have a 'thang' for blue balls.

3.  Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Well, the way we're acting now, they'd probably eat us. However, they might hate our taste and then we are really doomed!

3A.  Follow up:  What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

I'd come up with a tasty recipe the overlords can't resist and after they eat themselves into a stupor, becoming fat & lazy, we will take back Earth.

4.  What's the best way to foil a ghost?  A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

Call Ghostbusters!

5.  If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Walt Disney. He was a bigot who didn't like anything but whites & mice!

6.  Cake or pie?  And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​ 

OOOOh, Lemon Meringue, YUM, Key Lime. I never ate a pie I didn't like...besides, they're more fun to throw than cake!

* * *

Here's some info about Robin's latest, THE BRAIN EXCHANGE.


Abandon your beliefs and let your reality run wild. Imagine being fully aware inside a body of the opposite gender. Now imagine the best sex you ever had. Would this just be different? Or better? Or the best ever?

* * *

Amana—a supersized woman, and Steel—a fitness freak. Two dissatisfied people with very different appetites. Fate’s middle finger triggers a tailspin when they sign up for vacations at The Brain Exchange. Their odyssey will change them dramatically...but for better or worse?