Thursday, February 6, 2014

Everything Normal in Russia Extra Great Olympics Now.

There is definitely not any shower surveillance happening in Sochi at Olympics.

The strange black wire you see in toilet is of no mind.  It is…flushing apparatus.  Yes, flushing apparatus.  But do not touch.  NEVER TOUCH FLUSHING APPARATUS.

Unusual bug on wall is totally normal.  Is Russian decorate thing.  But is not actual bug like KGB.  Did I say KGB?  I mean American NSA.  See?  Other countries are shit, too.

If you hear voice coming from under mattress, is merely high-tech welcoming device to remind you of home.  Please obey all orders it suggest.  You can pretend it is nagging wife!  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Is joke.

Is not really joke.  Obey voice.

You may have heard “In Soviet Russia, TV watches you!”  This is absolutely untrue.  TV does not work, no matter what clicking may be coming from behind it.  There is no click, and never has been a click.  Click does not mean watching.  If someone tell you opposite, please to report them to Olympic “Welcome” Committee.  Yes, we mean to use quotes.  Why?

Some guests may experience special visits in dead of night from hotel management.  They are merely check on your satisfaction.  Please show proof of passport to express satisfaction.  We may borrow passport so that you may be satisfied for an unspecified length of time.  You will definitely enjoy.  Definitely.

Welcome to Olympics!