Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time when
Aunt Judgmental casually pries your heart out with a melon baller by
asking a seemingly-innocuous question over the dinner table at
Christmas. Since you probably can’t tell her or Uncle Nosypants to go &^#@ themselves, here are some answers designed to confuse, dismay, and
discourage follow-up discussion.
"Are you dating anyone?"
Real Answer: Well, I am dodging dick pics from a real asshole I had coffee with once, but who thinks we’re engaged now.
Better Answer: I am seeking my prince/princess, just as Disney taught me, so I’ve begun the paperwork to declare myself a constitutional monarchy like Monaco. Once it goes through, I expect to be swimming in crowns and marriage contracts. If you wish to send a delegation to the country of Me, I have some paperwork for you.
"How’s your job search going?"
Real Answer: I’m wearing two mis-matched shoes I found in an alley — does that tell you anything?
Better Answer: I’ve decided to become a superhero. I even got myself a radioactive spider to speed things up! It’s right h— oh, shit. Um, have you seen a black and fluorescent spider anywhere?
"When are you having kids?! Tick tock LOLLLLL!"
Real Answer: How about you get a fucking life instead of trying to live through my reproductive organs?
Better Answer: I’ll furnish you with a bouncing baby as soon as I have the money. By the way, can I borrow twenty thousand dollars? You don’t have to answer now, I’ll just keep asking every time I see you, notice you’re on Facebook, fart in your general direction…
"When are you going to get a real job?”
Real Answer: It seems as if I can already buy better taste than you, so I’m not sure what the problem is…
Better Answer: I read that people who are [whatever the question-asker’s profession is] experience a high rate of sadness and personal dissatisfaction. Why is that?
"Why are you still single? Maybe you should lower your standards!"
Real Answer: *With a pointed look to the question asker* I already have enough assholes in my life, thank you.
Better Answer: You’re right. I’ve been looking for another human who treats me with kindness and respect, but that seems to be out of the question. The only thing that has wanted to cuddle with me in the last six months is my cat. She is really cute, though… Let me show you a picture — she’s totally coming on to me in this one, right? I knew it!
"I thought you were losing weight?"
Real Answer: I wanted to lose two hundred pounds, but it’s illegal to kill members of my family.
Better Answer: I was, but it’s a quirk of my metabolism that I gain a pound every time someone asks me that question.
"Are you dating anyone?"
Real Answer: Well, I am dodging dick pics from a real asshole I had coffee with once, but who thinks we’re engaged now.
Better Answer: I am seeking my prince/princess, just as Disney taught me, so I’ve begun the paperwork to declare myself a constitutional monarchy like Monaco. Once it goes through, I expect to be swimming in crowns and marriage contracts. If you wish to send a delegation to the country of Me, I have some paperwork for you.
"How’s your job search going?"
Real Answer: I’m wearing two mis-matched shoes I found in an alley — does that tell you anything?
Better Answer: I’ve decided to become a superhero. I even got myself a radioactive spider to speed things up! It’s right h— oh, shit. Um, have you seen a black and fluorescent spider anywhere?
"When are you having kids?! Tick tock LOLLLLL!"
Real Answer: How about you get a fucking life instead of trying to live through my reproductive organs?
Better Answer: I’ll furnish you with a bouncing baby as soon as I have the money. By the way, can I borrow twenty thousand dollars? You don’t have to answer now, I’ll just keep asking every time I see you, notice you’re on Facebook, fart in your general direction…
"When are you going to get a real job?”
Real Answer: It seems as if I can already buy better taste than you, so I’m not sure what the problem is…
Better Answer: I read that people who are [whatever the question-asker’s profession is] experience a high rate of sadness and personal dissatisfaction. Why is that?
"Why are you still single? Maybe you should lower your standards!"
Real Answer: *With a pointed look to the question asker* I already have enough assholes in my life, thank you.
Better Answer: You’re right. I’ve been looking for another human who treats me with kindness and respect, but that seems to be out of the question. The only thing that has wanted to cuddle with me in the last six months is my cat. She is really cute, though… Let me show you a picture — she’s totally coming on to me in this one, right? I knew it!
"I thought you were losing weight?"
Real Answer: I wanted to lose two hundred pounds, but it’s illegal to kill members of my family.
Better Answer: I was, but it’s a quirk of my metabolism that I gain a pound every time someone asks me that question.
Love. This.
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