Sunday, June 20, 2010

I'd Make Short the New Tall

I'm back!

The intrusive real world took me away for a little while, blog friends. I had to work twelve hour days of actual day job work work, which is less fun than blogging nonsense, but currently pays more.

As I was slaving away and pleasing my masters like a monkey butler, I would fantasize about the good life.

So I pose a question to you, gentle author-readers: What would you do with J.K. Rowling kind of money?

Here's the scene:

The phone rings. It's your high-powered, yet friendly literary agent. "YOU!" she says, "I have a three book, three million dollar book deal for you with your dream publisher!" Kalu-kalay! The books sell out within days! Then they sell out their extra printings! You appear on Oprah, who has continued to do her talk show and book club just to feature you!

Soon, you have heaps of money, gobs of fame, and millions of book lovers the world over clutching your masterworks to their bosoms in pure, unfettered joy.

What do you do?

Yes, you help yourself, your friends, and family with money and debt and such. And you'd give your money away to needy causes, of course. Yeah, that's nice. We'd all do that.

But what else do you do? What crazy, maybe secret things would you do with it?

Here's what I would do.

  • Get a unicorn. Yes, they are real. It's just that they are a rich people animal that you, as a plebe, have never seen, like the Fantastapotamus.

  • I'd re-build the Pan-Pacific Auditorium.


    You may recognize it from the movie Xanadu - they used the exteriors for the Xanadu roller disco itself. It burned down ten years later. I'd house my unicorn in it, and, of course, it'd be a rollerdisco rink for me and my friends.

  • My husband and I would travel.

    Lucy: Would we buy a villa in some glamorous foreign country?

    Ricky: Well, we'd have to do that.

    Lucy: Which one?

    Ricky: We'd have to test them all out first.

    Lucy: Naturally.

    Ricky: I'd buy a bunch of fast cars and race them through Europe.

    Lucy: With all that money, you could buy friendship with the Top Gear guys and drive with them.

    Ricky: Yes!

  • I would hire someone with a great and slightly evil imagination to do nothing but annoy all the jerks who were mean to me or mine. Nothing really bad... just stuff like follow them to a movie and cough next to them the whole time, or randomly tell them they look fat in that outfit, or send them official-looking letters telling them they have $2000 in old speeding tickets and then set up a fake government phone number just to jerk them around. Stuff like that. Come to think of it, maybe I could set up a business like that...


  • I would help women. Brilliant, creative women. Invest in their companies, mentor them, introduce them to the right people. I'd start an Old Women's Network the way the men have the Old Boys' Club. But I'd give it a catchier name, like "Bitches Be Taking Care of Business" or something.


Now tell me: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

7 comments:

  1. I'd buy one of everything from Amazon.com and then a house big enough for whatever I chose to keep.

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  2. I would, among other things, buy a penthouse in Manhattan for Lucy that came with its own genuine monkey butler and a staff of ruggedly good-looking men who were all skilled in the arts of fine cookery and massage therapy. I would visit often.

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  3. Can I apply for that annoying-evil-person job? I would so totally ROCK that job.

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  4. Mfred, that is an excellent plan! Not as good as Fellatia's plan to buy ME stuff, but still very good.

    Tricia, forward your resume to me, and please give me at least three examples of evil acts.

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  5. Well, for starters, I yanked a really big hangnail off of the left pinky toe of the last person who spelled my name "Tricia."

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  6. OK FINE. One of everything for me and one of everything for Lucy. In fact, one of everything for everyone who commented here.

    Especially Trisha. She could cut a b*tch.

    I AM SO GENEROUS.

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  7. WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THIS, HUH??? COME ON, MOFOS, I WILL EFF YOU UP!! I WILL HURT YOU SO BAD YOUR BABYDADDY WILL FEEL IT!! I WILL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!! I WILL...

    Ahem. Sorry. I've been a little...strained lately. "Tricia" is actually fine, and is more correct than "Trisha," because it's short for "Patricia," which is spelled "Patricia," not "Patrisha." So, yeah. "Tricia" it is! Gotta run, I have to go buy a whooooole new domain name now!!

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