It's Raining in LA, so Here's Burt Reynolds' Butt

Yes, this book is called Burt Reynolds Hotline: The Letters I Get…and Write!

It should go without saying, but I want this book immediately and also now.

h/t Happy Place

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Oscar Wilde is a Cheeky Bastard EditionFeaturing Destiny Moon

Happy hump day, Bloggie friends.  Today for your amusement I have erotic romance author Destiny Moon answering my fascinating questions.  She cracked me the hell up, so keep reading!  That's an order! 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

Tentacles. If writing erotic romance has taught me anything, it’s that the more gripping and groping a character is capable of, the better. Let's just say I'm a little jealous of our friends, the octopi. 

2. What Smurf would you be?

Sassy Smurf. I’d have a wardrobe closet like Smurfette, but with more variety. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

 If they enslave us, I hope at least they will have the decency to make it fun. That means no eating. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Develop a really great safe word. 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Witches, of course. I know a couple, so I got this one. 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Oscar Wilde. Because he’d like it. Actually, he’d love it. 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

Cake, hands down. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting is my favorite, but a close second is decadent chocolate cake. In all honesty, I'm not picky. Bring on the vanilla sheet cakes with lard icing! 

About Destiny Moon: Destiny Moon's quest to follow her heart led her to writing erotic romance. With a few titles already out and and few more on the way, she is slowly inching closer to her dream, which involves tapping away at a story while on a beach sipping margaritas. Her latest release is Worth The Wait, a follow up novel to All I Ever Wanted.

WORTH THE WAIT

Sassy and glamorous, Monique Mackenzie has everything a modern woman could want - great career, fabulous home, wardrobe, car and friends. Men throw themselves at her constantly, but after years of meaningless flings, the charm has worn off. The one man who truly ignites her passion is the only man she can't have - her boss, Jerome Fontaine. 

Mysterious Jerome drops clues that he sees her too, but he seems to have a secret life outside the office. He remains elusive until Monique accidentally stumbles upon his secrets and discovers the reasons for his stoic behavior. As the fiercely private Jerome begins to trust Monique with his secret life, Monique's world is turned upside down with questions about what she truly wants out of life. Jerome's presence makes her question everything from her ambitions to her erotic tastes and in falling for him, she must face her own demons. 

Just when she thinks she's got it all figured out, Monique finds herself challenged in ways she never imagined, but the one thing she knows for certain is that she has never loved anyone as much as she loves Jerome.

Dear Time Magazine:I’m Tired of the Word “Feminist,” too.

Dear Time Magazine*,

Boy, “feminism.” What a pain in the ass, amIright? Fighting tooth and nail to be considered a person. Wanting equal pay. Struggling for everyone to be in charge of our own bodies. I’m fucking sick of it, too!

There is nobody in this world who wishes the idea of “feminism” could go the way of the dodo more than a feminist. Because that would mean that the world has achieved true equality, no matter one’s gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, cognitive and physical abilities, height, weight, or freaking Zodiac sign.

YOU think feminism is a pain in the ass? Try being paid less.  Try being blamed for your sexual assault. Try facing discrimination in public and private dealings. Try being threatened with death for speaking out. Ah, but that’s nothing, right? When a big, bad word makes you roll your eyes—that’s the real struggle. Just shut up and accept your role under the boot, you obnoxious bitches, geesh!

Time, you don’t fool us. The only reason to include “feminist” in the bad word list is as a big fuck you to everyone who’s not a drooling troglodyte desperate for the hand of time to spin back to the year 1400. Well, there weren’t magazines back then, so I guess I don’t need to open yours ever again. 

*That's a "do not link" link, so they won't get any hits off you.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Wedding Pie is an AbominationFeaturing Karen McCullough

 

Answering my deep and insightful weekly questions this time is author Karen McCullough.  Take it away, Writer Smurf!

 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

 

Another arm and hand. How many times have you been at a party, with a drink in one hand and a plate of food in the other, only to realize that you have no way to get that food from plate to mouth? Think how much more we could accomplish with another hand. I could write so much faster if I had three hands to type with rather than two. 

 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

 

Writer Smurf, of course! The one who always has a pen in hand and ink stains on his fingers. All the other smurfs would gather round him in the evenings to listen to his stories! 

 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

 

Oh, they’ll probably take good care of us until our numbers begin to threaten them. We’ll make a wonderful set of exhibits in their zoo-they can watch us play with balls, swing from branches, draw in the dirt, build stone fortresses, make crude weapons like spear throwers and slingshots and reproduce like crazy. It’ll amuse them until they realize that we’ve got numbers on them. 

 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

 

Me, I’m hiding behind all the big, aggressive guys and letting them handle the fight. I’ll be ready to help with the clean up and setting up the new order when they’ve cleared the way. 

 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet.

 

I’m calling Ghostbusters. After all, their “courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.” And on their best-known gig, they came, they saw, they kicked ass. Big, white, marshmallow ass. 

 

5. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​

 

No definitely cake. Pie is good for sure, but you can’t put birthday candles or sprinkles on pie, and you can’t write silly messages in the frosting. And really, two words: Wedding Pie. ‘Nuff said. 

 

About Karen McCullough:

 

Karen McCullough’s wide-ranging imagination makes her incapable of sticking to one genre for her storytelling. As a result, she’s the author of more than a dozen published novels and novellas, which span the mystery, fantasy, paranormal, and romantic suspense genres. A former computer programmer who made a career change into being an editor with an international trade publishing company for many years, she now runs her own web design business to support her writing habit. Awards she’s won include an Eppie Award for fantasy; three other Eppie finals; Prism, Dream Realm, Rising Star, Lories, Scarlett Letter, and Vixen Awards, and an Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest. Her short fiction has appeared in several anthologies and numerous small press publications in the fantasy, science fiction, and romance genres. She lives in Greensboro, NC, with her husband of many years. 

 

Website, Facebook, Author Twitter 

 

Latest Release: The Detective’s Dilemma, a short romantic suspense novel published in paperback and ebook by Kensington’s Lyrical Press imprint. 

 

Available from:  Amazon, B&N, Kensington

 

 

 

Blurb: 

 

Although Sarah Anne Martin admits to pulling the trigger, she swears someone forced her to kill her lover. Homicide detective Jay Christianson is skeptical, but enough ambiguous evidence exists to make her story plausible. If he gives her enough freedom, she’ll either incriminate herself or draw out the real killers. But, having been burned before, Jay doesn’t trust his own protective instincts...and his growing attraction to Sarah only complicates matters. 

 

With desire burning between them, their relationship could ultimately be doomed since Sarah will be arrested for murder if they can’t find the real killer.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:SMH at Saints Edition Featuring Jenna Byrnes

Please help me welcome author Jenna Byrnes who will save all of humanity with Candy Crush, as well as other assorted apps on her phone.

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I would love to be able to transport from one place to another in the blink of an eye. I’m a lousy traveler and usually just barely on time for work, so that would be totally cool and helpful. 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

Since I can’t go a day without my computer, I guess Computy Smurf works for me. Or Candy Crush Smurf??? 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

We will enslave them and attempt to treat them well because we are not animals, after all. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Prove myself invaluable with great knowledge. They may not be aware that I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers. (Found that online, loved it. LOL) 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Everyone knows cheap foil is not the same as Reynold’s Wrap so I suggest paying a little extra and going with the good stuff. I still laugh when I think about Joaquin Phoenix and his niece and nephew sitting in front of the TV with foil on their heads in the movie Signs. Mua ha ha!

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Here’s one for you, in 1265 (now Saint) Thomas Aquinas argued that sodomy was second only to murder in the ranking of sins. Even though many men in history were known to be gay and it wasn’t any big deal, for instance Trajan (53-117 AD) who was gay and is remembered as a successful soldier-emperor who presided over the greatest military expansion in Roman history. Aquinas called Trajan a “virtuous pagan”. Puh-leese! 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

Cake, all the way. I make my own greeting cards for friends and one of my favorites says, I was going to make you a rum cake for your birthday, but now I’m drunk and it’s just a cake. 

Thanks for letting me be stupid with you, Lucy! Readers can find all my books on my website: http://www.jennabyrnes.com/ or keep up with me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorjennabyrnes 

My latest release is Peyton’s Pursuit, book two in the Kansas City Heat series from Totally Bound.

A home invasion leaves one man dead. Can the KCPD track down the killer before anyone else is murdered? 

Detective Nick Peyton lands a homicide case involving stolen property. He finds himself with the tedious task of visiting pawn shops, showing photos of jewelry and other missing items. When he meets store owner Rob Hewlett, Nick suddenly feels like this is the best job he’s ever had. 

Nick and Rob share an immediate attraction and act on it without much thought. With his mind on other things, Nick exchanges only the most basic information with the hot stud who has captivated his heart and soul. He soon comes to realize how little they know about each other and that, sometimes, secrets can be deadly. 

https://www.totallybound.com/peytons-pursuit 

Series blurb: Kansas City Heat by Jenna Byrnes 

Kansas City, the ‘Heart of America’ is home to great jazz music and world famous barbecue. The KCPD is the largest police department in Missouri, with a mission to protect life and property while reducing fear and disorder. Det James Dixon and his partners take their oaths to serve and protect very seriously. But sometimes it’s about more than just the job. And when things get hot in Kansas City, it’s not just the barbecue sauce talking.

See the full series here: https://www.totallybound.com/series/kansas-city-heat

My Author-to-Reader Statement of Ethics

There have been a lot of horrific stories of author-on-reader hate lately. Google "badly behaving authors" and prepare to gasp. I'd like to make my intentions known, as an author, and explain how I feel about my amazing readers. I went on a bit of a rant recently on Twitter, and I stand behind it, so I'm publishing it here.  Er, sorry for the typos.  It was a rant, after all.

We, as authors, must do better than petty bullshit and ridiculousness. I'm not perfect, but damn, I appreciate each and every one of you, and I will try my darndest to be great for you in every way.

 

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Aliens vs. Husband Edition Featuring Ylette Pearson

Author Ylette Pearson is in my hot seat this week answering my turgid questions while talking about bareback cowboys.  If you can't make three dirty jokes out of the last sentence, then you might not belong on a site of mine.

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I could use another pair of hands. Being a lousy and slow typist, think of the possibilities if I wanted to increase my daily word count (and I desperately need to). Another pair of hands would also come in handy when attempting to try out the scenes I write in my novels—every writer has to do that, right?

2. What Smurf would you be? (You can't pick an existing one, like Brainy or Lazy.) 

I’m not saying that I grew up with the Smurfs and has long since forgotten their names, because I might reveal my age, so I’ll stick to a name they couldn’t possibly have. Lazy and Brainy fits like a glove, but alas, it’s forbidden to use them. Hmm, the most apt description of the blue Smurf I’d be must be Tangled Smurf. I’m always somewhat buried in a tangled mess of both my unmanageable hair and the little (and large) dumps the cosmic powers regularly drop on my doorstep. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us? 

If they have enough intelligence to see this planet as an asset, I believe they will quickly realize humans are not a tasty treat. I also think they will mostly ignore us because with their superior intelligence they wouldn’t need someone as slow as humans to do their work. (They just have to glance at my typing speed to pity us.) 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

I’d hide behind my husband who’d give them a run for their money and distract the attention away from my delectable body. Seriously though, who’d want to harm such a beautiful creature like me? 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

With a smart ghost, you don’t stand a chance. It’s best to invite them in and have them join in the fun that’s your life. In my case, they’d hightail it out of there soon enough as crazy women scare the hell out of all men—even ghosts. 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

I’d have to say Shakespeare. The man is responsible for the most hours of sweating behind study guides in human history. 

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong? 

No contest—cake wins hands down. Nothing like a cup of strong, black and bitter homebrewed coffee and a juicy piece of chocolate cake to put a sugarcoating on your day. (If I had the extra pair of hands, I could still work on my novel while doing this.)

Her Bareback Cowboys by Ylette Pearson 

When riding bareback proves too much of a temptation to resist… 

When the Groundhog Saddle Company awards twenty-six-year-old freelance photographer and divorcee, Adrian Barlow the coveted assignment of advertising their saddles and other leather products, she jumps at the opportunity. Her bank account is in dire need of replenishing and her reputation as a photographer hangs by a shred over a bottomless abyss. Even when her employer informs her that her duties include playing babysitter for the two cowboys they hired for the job, she doesn’t complain. She needs the money too much to be fussy. 

Texan rodeo stars Wade Randall and Maverick Green agree to play fashion model for a couple of months because Wade needs the money to buy his own ranch in Texas and Maverick must rest his injured shoulder. However, nothing prepared them for the sight of Adrian when she collects them at the OR Tambo International Airport in South Africa. 

The attraction between the three is instantaneous and the sexual tension so thick it clogs up the interior of Adrian’s four-wheel-drive Toyota Land Cruiser, but none of them are in the market for a serious relationship. Adrian’s past sexual mistakes caused her financial misery and she has no desire for a repeat performance while the men’s plans for life exclude permanent partners for a long time to come. 

Isolated on a working farm in the Highveld of the Mpumalanga Province, Adrian is unable to resist the sexual pleasures the two cowboys promise. With the firm understanding that none of them wants a serious relationship, they embark on a journey of sexual discovery that melts the cold winter days.

However, when old acquaintances from Adrian’s past arrive, she learns that over-indulgence always comes at a price… 

Her Bareback Cowboys is available from Totally Bound, All Romance Ebooks, Amazon US and Amazon UK 

For more information about other books, upcoming events and advanced previews of new releases, visit me on my website at ylettepearson.com or join me on my Facebook author page or on Twitter at @ylettepearson.

You're a Loony, Miss Lucy

I'm sure many of you recognize one of the funniest scenes of all time--the Black Knight vs. King Arthur from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  The Black Knight engages King Arthur in a fight over a footpath, and Arthur swiftly divests the fellow of his arms and legs.  But through it all, the Black Knight refuses to give up.

"I'm invincible!" declares the Black Knight while hopping on one leg.

"You're a loony," replies King Arthur.

I watched this just yesterday and suddenly, it came to me.  I must have laughed with this scene a thousand times, as Monty Python is a major influence on me as a writer.  Hell, as a person.  But this time I finally got it:  I am the Black Knight.

I'm the girl who never says die. In the last two weeks, I had a cold, a major personal setback followed not one hour later by a horrible sciatica attack that put me in bed for a week, my car broke down to the tune of $1200, I received multiple rejections for multiple projects, and my cat barfed in my workout sneakers.  Not that I'm allowed use them at the moment, says my BFF the chiropractor.

I cried.  I railed at the unfeeling universe.  I popped muscle relaxers like it was my job.  But, in the end, you know what I did?  I hopped on my one remaining leg, picked up my laptop with my phantom arms, and started editing a book.  My superheroine book, to be precise.

The heroine of that book, who I beat over the head repeatedly with the plot twist bat, keeps going.  Maybe she shouldn't.  It's nuts that she keeps trying and working and smiling in the face of those who would laugh at her.  But she does.  And so do I.

Sometimes I think...Lucy, some of your ideas are too weird.  They're funny, but too weird!  JUST BE NORMAL.  But I'm the Black Knight, and none shall pass.  I am who I am.  And I will flail on the ground until I can flail no more, dammit.

I've really thought about this since I realized that I'm the Black Knight.  A loon is not the best patronus.  The Black Knight ultimately fails!  But that's only because King Arthur refuses to battle anymore, so I say ol' Knightey won the fight.

I've been told from a reader that my character Samantha Lytton inspires her.  She inspires me, too.  All my heroines do, because they're all loonys.  They keep going, they keep working and, ultimately, they get their happy endings.  Who knows?  Maybe the Black Knight met a lovely nurse and they lived happily ever after until the age of thirty, when most people in the middle ages croaked.

After all--he was invincible.

Stupid Questions with Lucy:Sapphire Flogger Edition Featuring Suz deMello

Hello, blog friends, and a merry hump day to you!  Let's give a warm welcome to super nice author Suz deMello who is here to answer my nonsense and share her book, Kinky Toes!

 

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why? 

I'd love the ability to predict the future. So useful! I could play the stock market and avert disaster--at the same time. 

2. What Smurf would you be? 

What's a smurf? (clicking computer keys wildly). Hmm. Okay, this is all right. Blue is my color--looks good with my eyes. So I'll be Sadistic Smurf, in a metallic blue corset, sapphire-spangled boots and floggers tipped with sapphire arrowheads. 

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Wow--you're obsessed by aliens. [Editorial note:  She says that like it's a bad thing...] They will study us from afar, then up close, though I doubt they will utilize anal probes. I think a number of us will end up on dissection tables. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence? 

Because I will be able to predict the future, I will have already been locked up in an asylum by TPTB for my lunatic ravings about an alien invasion. The aliens will use those of us in the loony bin as free entertainment. 

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet. 

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Presuming the ghostly visitation comes at night, I'll probably dismiss the vision as a fantasy, roll over and go back to sleep. I'm painfully practical. ​ 

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

Winston Churchill who, despite his leadership during WW2, was incredibly racist and anti-Semitic. [Editorial note part deux:  Ick, can I get in line for the slappin'?]

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?​ 

LOL, loaded question here... Pie. Sorry, but there's a lot of boring, tasteless sawdust around masquerading as chocolate cake, which I love. So for consistency of experience, there's nothing like an excellent fruit pie, preferably made with fresh summer fruit. Fresh peach pie is the best!

KINKY TOES, contemporary erotic romance

Shelbie Nathanson resents Rick Saldano's ascension to C.O.O. of her family's shoe company, a job she's wanted all her life. But she can't resist his red-hot, sexy style of lovemaking...one that focuses on her passion: shoes.

http://www.ellorascave.com/kinky-toes.html

Spoopy Halloween to You All!

WooooOOOOoooooOOOO it's that spoopy time of year!  It would not be Halloween without the Pumpkin Man.  If you've never witnessed the wonder that is dancing pumpkin man, well, then, here you go, friend.

YOU'RE WELCOME.