Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Stupid Questions with Lucy:
Horny Ghosts > Zombies Edition Featuring Lisabet Sarai
(& a Giveaway!)

I'm so happy to have lively author Lisabet Sarai here to answer my hard-hitting questions about acid-farting aliens.  Take it away, Lisabet!

1. If you could have one otherworldly alien ability or body part, what would it be and why?

I’d opt for a long, prehensile tongue. Just think how convenient it would be to be able to lick the very last vestiges of Martian Melon ice cream out of the corners of the container. And then I could use the tongue to clean off any unsightly residue clinging to my cheeks. (I’ve always envied my cats that ability.)

The tongue would likely be studded with highly sensitive receptors for temperature, humidity, pheromones, and other assorted organic molecules - rather like a snake’s. This would enable me to intuit the mental states of people around me. 


Actually, I considered requesting telepathy as my desired alien ability, but I decided that could get messy. Probably I’d be totally disgusted if I knew what most people are thinking. The tongue, in contrast, would give me more general information, responding mostly to those chemical signals that reveal emotion or arousal. Just imagine, no more wondering: “Does he really fancy me, or is he just buttering me up because I’m his boss?” And no, the sexual advantages of this hypothetical alien tongue have nothing to do with my choice. How could you suggest such a thing?

2. What Smurf would you be?

There’s more than one Smurf? Sorry, but I’m barely aware of what a Smurf is. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit my cultural illiteracy, but I grew up in the original troll era. Now, if I were a troll, I’d have purple hair. 

(I’m well aware that I could have purple hair now, if I desired, but I don’t think the effect would be the same.)

So, I surmise, based on this question, that there are multiple Smurf characters who are named based on their personality attributes. (No, I am not going to go to Google and research this issue. That would be against the rules.) Under those constraints, I’d probably be Goody-Goody. Though you might not guess this from my avocation as an author of seriously spicy fiction, I’ve always tried to follow the rules and win the approbation of those in authority. And when I don’t – well, I just don’t advertise the fact.

Hey, it works for me.

3. Do you think the aliens who inevitably enslave the human race will treat us well or eat us?

Actually, I think it’s likely they’ll ignore us – sort of the way we ignore mold, algae and worms most of the time. Any creatures bright enough to make it to our planet would have no need for wimpy creatures like us as their slaves.

Unless, of course, you’re talking about sex slaves. There are always possibilities in that plot line.

Especially if they have prehensile tongues. 

3A. Follow up: What will you do to distinguish yourself to our benevolent overlords so that they don't destroy you with their acid flatulence?

Well, if they actually did want to eat me, I’d point out the research that suggests vegetarians taste better than meat eaters. I have an unfortunate weakness for pork chops and roast lamb. If that didn’t send them running off in the direction of the closest hippie commune, I’d whip out my tongue and try to distract them.

4. What's the best way to foil a ghost? A smart one, not one of those dumbasses in a sheet?

This question is not sufficiently well-specified. What is this smart ghost trying to do to me? What are his motives? What tragic events in his past have led to him hanging around the material plane in the first place? As an author, I know you’ve got to understand the conflicts between characters before you can imagine a way to resolve them.

Actually, I’ve got a soft spot for ghosts. The first romance I wrote, back when I was in high school, featured a mansion overlooking the ocean, haunted by the shade of a sea captain who’d owned the place a century before. Of course he falls in love with the current tenant, and vice versa. This was long before the movie Ghost.

I find the notion of seducing a specter – or the opposite – more appealing than scary. So I probably wouldn’t try to foil him at all. Especially not if he was as intelligent as you claim. For me, brains are the ultimate turn-on. (We’re talking ghosts here, not zombies. Don’t get me started on zombies... I hate zombies.)

Think about it. An incorporeal boyfriend would be pretty low maintenance. No dirty socks. No problems with leaving the toilet seat up.

5. If you could slap the shit outta one beloved historical figure, who would it be and why?

I’m not really a “slap the shit outta someone” sort of girl. However, I’d be tempted with Margaret Thatcher. Her lack of compassion was simply appalling. It’s really hard to find a way to be funny about her.

6. Cake or pie? And, if you said pie, why are you so happy to be wrong?

Pie, hands down. Much better for throwing in the face of people whom you’d really rather slap the shit out of, if you’re too goody-goody to attempt real violence.

And if I got hit with a pie myself, I could easily use the tongue to clean myself off.

The Ingredients of Bliss 

One sexy French chef. One kinky American TV producer. One ambitious Chinese gal who thinks she wants them both. The ingredients of bliss? Or a recipe for disaster? 

Accomplished cook Mei Lee “Emily” Wong knows exactly what she wants - her own show on the Tastes of France food channel. But life is full of complications. First, her deceptively nerdy producer, Harry Sanborne, initiates Emily into the delights of submission. Then her boss, legendary chef Etienne Duvalier, begs her to dominate him. Emily just can’t resist - especially when Harry orders her to explore her inner mistress. Suave and sexy Etienne will do whatever she asks - in the bedroom if not in the kitchen. And Harry, her lovingly diabolical Dom, adores pushing Emily’s limits.

When the network sends the trio to France to shoot a series of cooking shows on location, Emily knows her career is on the upswing. Her plans fall apart in Marseille as a Hong Kong crime syndicate kidnaps both Etienne and Harry. The Iron Hammer Triad mistakes Etienne for notorious gangster Jean Le Requin, who has stolen their drug shipment, worth millions. Emily realizes she must find the real Le Requin, retrieve the purloined dope, and bargain it for Harry’s and Etienne’s lives. The secret she’s been keeping from Harry might prove useful. Still, what chance does one woman whose knife skills are limited to chopping vegetables have against the ruthless cruelty of two criminal organizations?

Get your copy of The Ingredients of Bliss today:

Totally BoundAll Romance eBooks, Amazon US, Amazon UK

For more about me, follow my blog Beyond Romance ( Visit my website ( for a full list of my books, covers and excerpts, and lots of free stories.


I'm not nearly as funny as my hostess. However, if you'd like the chance to sample some of my more humorous work, leave a comment with your email below. I'll randomly drawn one name and give her (or him) a copy of Her Secret Ingredient, the prequel to The Ingredients of Bliss. 


  1. Hi, Lucy!

    Thanks for getting me off my butt to try and write something funny.

    It's tough for me. But you make it look so easy.

    1. I think you did very well! I LOVE the idea of a snake tongue. Think of the creeps you could scare off...

  2. Great interview lisabet! Though I'm not happy to hear you throwing me and my fellow veggies under the bus. That might backfire. We're a scrapy group:)

    1. Don't take *anything* in this interview too seriously, Willa.

      I was really stretching for laughs!

  3. fun interview Lisabet!!! LOL... I'm totally there w/ you not about the tongue thing cuz... nope for soo many reasons... but pie all the way!!! thanks for sharing ;)

    1. All you pie people are lucky I even let you on the blog. CAKE ALL THE WAY! (I kid, I kid! But really: CAKE ALL THE WAY!)

    2. Cake is - I'm sorry - boring. Though I'm willing to listen to your arguments for your position.

      Thanks for dropping by, Erin!

  4. I just love the tounge. And yes, you are funny when you want to be.
    Thank you for the great excerpt and wonderful contest.
    orelukjp0 at gmail dot com

    1. You're so sweet, Gayle.

      Thanks for joining in the fun.

  5. I totally want to try Martian Melon ice cream now, drat it. I've never been a Smurf person, either (my grandma took me to see the SMURFS AND THE MAGIC FLUTE cartoon when I was little, and we both fell asleep in the theatre). I like pie and cake...I feel more comfortable baking cake (crusts are fiddly), but pie would be fun for throwing!

    Trix, vitajex(at)aol(dot)com

    1. Hi, Trix,

      I thought I'd replied to this comment, but it looks like it disappeared just like that ghost.

      What I said was that we should probably pitch the flavor to Ben and Jerry. I also noted that years ago my husband and I had a sci fi party for which I concocted a punch called "Blue Venusian Brew". I don't remember all the ingredients, but we served it in a big fishbowl. It was vodka based and had blueberries floating around in it.

      As for Smurfs, well, this is just a case of ignorance on my part. I know a Smurf when I see one, but distinguishing between them??

      Thanks for dropping by!

  6. Great interview Lisabet :)
    I grew up watching the Smurfs (I still collect Trolls ;) ). The Martian Mellon ice cream sounds good! I'm a PA Dutchie... I'll eat just about anything :)

    Mindy :)

    1. Hello, Mindy!

      So, as an expert, are Smurfs a kind of Troll? Or are they a different species altogether?

      Thanks for joining in the fun!

  7. Definitely different A Smurf would NEVER have such a bad hair day & a Troll would NEVER have a beard/mustache except for Papa Smurf. Smurfs wouldn't run around nekkid either!

    Mindy :)

  8. Hi, everybody,

    So I'll bet you thought I forgot about the giveaway. No way! Just hopped over to, and my lucky winner is Gayle. Congratulations!

    Thanks to all of you for joining in the fun, and to Lucy for hosting me.