Monday, August 11, 2014

Coming to Terms with Your Non-Internet-Famous Cat

This past Friday was International Cat Day, and my cat celebrated by vomiting on the floor.  The vomit wasn't in a cute shape, and my cat refused to take an adorable picture after she'd barfed everywhere.  She never sticks out her tongue like Bub, and she's too pretty to be Grumpy Cat. (Although she is a jerk sometimes. A lot of times. She's giving me a noogie right now.)

My cat is not Internet famous.  Sigh.

I sit at the ready with my camera, thinking maybe today's the day!  Today's the day my feline gets off her fat ass and actually makes me some fucking money.  But she just sleeps, and not even in a funny position or in a whimsical place.  She naps on the floor like a common house cat.  What the hell?  Why not try hanging off the furniture in a gravity-defying way?  How about stuffing herself inside an amusing place where cats don't belong?  Doesn't she look online?  THAT'S WHAT ALL THE COOL BUZZFEED CATS DO!

She doesn't dial the phone to order us pizza.  She hasn't saved a child from certain death.  She's not even in one meme.  Not.  One.  She doesn't sit like people.  She's just an ordinary cat who loves us and keeps us company--who needs that shit?

I try not to expect too much, I do.  But when one more days goes by, and I don't see her being praised on Twitter, I wonder why we got a cat at all.  Sure, her cuddles are glorious and soft and reduce our stress, but really, would one shirt emblazoned with her face kill her?  Why won't she think of US sometimes?  We feed her, and we do it every day.  Every day!

I tried taking pictures of my husband with his tongue sticking out while he hangs upside down, but we were asked to leave the playground and not return.  Our lawyer has advised that I shouldn't comment further on that.

Sometimes I feel so alone while everyone else's cat is just raking in millions of dollars and worldwide adoration.  Thanks a lot, my furry pile of unpaid cable bill.  I guess I'll just bask in your companionship privately like an asshole.

(Look at this worthless hairball machine.)


  1. For a useless animal, he sure is cute!

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